Right, this will prob turn in to a bit of an essay so my apologies in advance!

As some of you may know, me and OH just got engaged and have started planning our wedding for August next year which I am so delighted about.

But...

Now I cant stop thinking about something that happened 2 years ago. Me and OH had been living together just a few months and things were really stressful (money worries, arguing all the time etc.) We were spending more and more time apart and eventually I found out that he had slept with someone I knew. As soon as I found out, I kicked him out and he ended up seeing this girl for the next three months. He was still calling and texting me nearly everyday to say he'd made a mistake and eventually, after many chats and much consideration, we decided to give it another go.
He says that things were so bad between us at the time but he knew he couldnt leave me and so wanted me to leave him, which is why he cheated as he knew I would find out and then that would be the end of it. He claims she meant absolutely nothing to him and the only reason he got together with her for the three months was for the company and he felt sorry for her. Not sure if this is true or if its just what he thinks I want to hear. I tried my best to forget about it although obviously it was hard for me to trust him after but we've been back together over 2 years now and we have been stronger than ever. I'll never forget what happened, but I have forgiven him.

The problem is, now we've got engaged (and my pregnancy hormones are all over the place), I keep thinking about him and this girl. Why?? Its on my mind day in day out and I cant get the thought of them out of my head. I know I want to marry him and we have our daughter on the way and are genuinely really happy together, so why am I feeling like this again?

If you've got this far then sorry for my waffling but thanks for reading!

xx

I think it's perfectly natural to feel 'scared' when you feel at your happiest. Do you think that subconsciously, because you are feeling so happy and settled, a little part of you is thinking "I don't want this to end"?
As you said also, your hormones must be so up and down. I don't blame you for thinking about the past... unfortunately it's one of those things that will probably rear it's ugly head from time to time. It's just the way it is when someone you love hurts you. Hopefully in a few days you will be back to normal and not thinking about it?

I agree with Coffee!

You will probably never forget what he did but in time, the memory will become more distant.

Unfortunately, your hormones are also not helping your thoughts on this matter.

If he hasn't shown any signs of doing it again in the past two years, I think you are ok! Enjoy your happiness! If you start to dwell on the past it may affect the present.

Thank you, both of you.

It doesnt help that I knew the girl quite well and she lives very close to us so I constantly see her. He has really behaved himself the last 2 years and I can sort of understand why it happened but it doesnt make it any better. It also doesnt help that she is the total opposite of me which makes me think I cant possibly be what he wants if he went off with something so different!

I think you're right Coffee, Im madly happy at the mo and dont want it to end, so typically im thinking of this which is making me miserable!! Silly hormonal woman I am!!

Anyway, thank you for the advice - its amazing how much better I feel already!

xxx

It's probably a combination of your hormones rushing around and genuine anxiety by facing spending the rest of your life with this man - you need to be sure.

It sounds like you love each other and he has committed to you now. That doesn't mean the pain of what he did will disapear, but it will become less strong... You need to remember that it is in the past and that he is souly comitted to you now and will never ever be with anyone else - and he doesn't want to! As for the specific ins and outs of what happened with this other woman two years ago, you can never know if he is telling you the truth - but it doesn't matter and you don't necessarily want to know - you should try to put it behind you rather than pondering what might or might not have been the case.

Try to put it out of your mind hunni - if you've decided to try again and put it all behind you - to forgive(but not forget) you need to commit to doing that (as hard as it is). Dragging it all up again will only hurt you more.

IF however you find that these feelings and thoughts do not settle down, you may find it helpful to sit down and talk with your fiancee about it. But remember that it was long ago and you agreed to forgive him - so dont be accusing, and make it clear this is about your problem - your feelings - not about you punishing him or being mad at him again.

I had a similar experience - my now-husband cheated on me and hurt me badly early on in our relationship, but he is a changed man to what he was and I committed to forgiving him and loving him for who is now.

Sometimes old feelings resurface - I usually find it much easier and less painful in the long run to push them out of my mind if I can - no matter how old the wound, it will always hurt if you re-open it. Sometimes I can't put it out, and I talk with my husband about my feelings - He can get upset that I still hurt because of what he did but understands that I need to talk things through with him and is understanding that no matter how much time passes he is still partly responsible so is happy to chat it out with me however long it takes.

He usually ends up listening to me go on for hours on end, and then reminds me how much he loves me, one way or another, and shows me how good I can feel with him... And I remember that it is all in our past, and how good it is to forgive and move on - and how fun and right life is with him...

It depends on the day. Wounds like this always take time to heal, but it is possible. Hold on in there, hunni - Your man sounds worth it.

I'm sorry you got hurt, but so so happy that you guys made it up and are moving on together.

Keep your chin up, hun - This feeling will pass

yeah I agree with what everyone has said Im sure everything will be fine and it is just your PG hormones doing crazy things to your mind, chin up hun it will pass

Thank you for your lovely advice Tasha, thats really made me feel better.

I used to constantly ask questions about it but never seemed to like the answers i got so i stopped asking, which is maybe why there is still things rushing around in my head, but i couldnt possibly ask him now as i know the answers would kill me! We did have a little chat over the weekend. He said that he knows what a massive mistake he made and it was his choice to come back, its not like i forced him and then forced him to buy the house and get engaged, its because he wanted to do all these things. Made me feel a lot better

He has totally changed since it happened, and has made such a big effort to make it up to me so I know I have to let it go, but sometimes it just creeps into my head and winds me up a treat.

You and your husband seem so perfect together Tasha, I find it hard to believe that the pair of you have been through a similar experience; but it proves that it happens to the best of us and I hope that me and OH turn out to be as strong and happy as you two are.

Thanks again, you really cheered me up!

I'm glad I was able to help a little. It's scary reading your post how easily it could have been me writing! We seem to have had a very similar experience and are haunted by the same annoying after-thoughts, too!

If you ever need to talk about this, or want someone to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of, then feel free to pm me, hun and I'll try and put things into perspective again and make you feel a bit better if I can x

Thank you kindly

I may well take you up on that offer! xx

I still think about my fiancé and the girls he used to like. It gets me so down nd scares me that I'll end up ending this relationship based on the past. Even though I know he loves me and wants a family I can't help thinking about the other girls