Stef

She sounds very self-centred girl. I'd be very much angry & upset too. Sometimes insecurity causes some one to attention seek. Perhaps she feels she has to do all these things for his family to like her and sympathise with her.

x

Sparky0207

Thank you again everyone for all your advice and suuport

The more I think about it the more it seems that she probably is jealous. (Its funny that no matter how much you think it yourself, its not until others tell you the same thing that you actually start to believe it!)

I was overjoyed yesterday as I think I felt LO move for the first time! mentioned it to his parents whilst we were there last night and she immediately said that she thinks she may have felt hers move too - shes only 6 or 7 weeks at the very most!!! Its putting his parents in a difficult situation as they know she is just doing it for attention but they cant just ignore her when she starts.

Im starting to feel a bit sorry for her but she has caused absolute hell for me and OH over the last year or so so maybe I shouldnt be feeling sorry for her! At least the inital anger has now subsided!

experienced

Wow sparky, she's an ex as well!? That makes sense. But not much comfort for you. Aren't the alarm bells going off for anyone else in the family? I suspect that if she is this insecure its only a matter of time before she does or says something really stupid and everyone will have to take notice.
You should be careful though and not get too caught up with her. I am tempted to suggest that you update his parents on the side, when she is not around or on the phone when she cannot participate and will have to get the news second hand or not at all. The fact that she is an ex makes this more sensitive and perhaps distance would be a better strategy. Is it possible to invite just his parents over for a meal or do they travel around joint at the hip? That way you can share your progress without her interference on your moment. I'm just thinking out aloud......What do you think?

Sparky0207

Yes shes an ex!!! Thats mainly where the problem lies... to be honest its a VERY complicated situation and when we got together all hell was let loose between myself and her although she is a lot younger than me and quite immature with it too. I've tried hard to get on with her over the last year but every time it gets thrown back in my face so im not prepared to keep wasting my energy on her.

We have invited his parents over for dinner on sunday so that we can have a bit of a chat with them - they dont particularly like this girl either but get on with her for the sake of their son. They know what an attention seeker she is (they live with her so see it every day!) but they dont realise how much it gets to me.
Im concerned also that because their baby will be living with them that it will get different treatment to what our baby will get as they will be around it all the time. Half of me thinks they wouldnt let it happen but theres still the little doubt in my mind.

experienced

Oh hun, I feel for you. It is a really awkward situation. I think it is really important that you keep coming across mature and grounded in all this. You want to contrast with her immaturity and silly behaviour as much as you can. I'm not sure what you have in mind for the chat on Sunday. Are you going to raise any of these issues with them? I would keep it very cool. I totally get your concerns about the baby's place in their hearts. But surely they will move out at some point? They can't be planning on living with his parents forever?
The first thing that came to my mind when I read that was all the practical things - would I feel comfortable about leaving my child to stay overnight with the SIL there? I know its early days yet but it begs the question. Also babysitting. Would she expect preferential treatment because she lives with them? How excited are his parents and how involved do they want to be with the grandchildren? I can understand what a nightmare this is for you. See what his parents have to say on Sunday and go from there. Don't say anything in haste. It is worth thinking things through and calling them the next day rather than messing it up there and then. The last thing you want is them to go away feeling like they are in a tug of war between their two sons. Be interested to hear their point of view in all this. Listening is the key as it will guide you as to how to deal with the coming months. Good luck for Sunday! I'll be thinking of you.

Sparky0207

I think on Sunday we are just going to have a general chat - I think they quite want an opportunity to speak to us as it has put them in a very diffucult situation. OH and I are only young but have struggled a lot over the last 3 years to get a house of our own, we both have good jobs and we have tried hard to make the most of our lives. SIL has only ever worked part time and doesnt see any importance in getting on the property ladder or having a career which is why she relys so heavily on OH's parents.
Our LO wasnt planned but we were delighted and so were his family. She is expecting everyone to have the same reaction to her pregnancy but instead his family are just worried about how they will cope which may have been the start of this resentment.
I definitely wouldnt be happy for my LO to be there with her, I dont trust the girl now! With regards to babysitting, his parents have said they want to be a big part of LO's life (we see them almost daily now and want to continue with this) but I do think SIL will take it for granted and they will give priority to them. My family have been excellent though and so I hope that it shouldnt be too much of a problem as they will look after the baby for us.
Just going to discuss all of this with them hopefully without sounding as concerned as I am!
Will let you all know how our chat goes on sunday - wish me luck!

experienced

That all sounds good to me. At least they are aware. You are lucky that you have both sets of parents around you to help you and between them you will be fine. In her rush to compete with you for attention she has painted herself into a corner by getting pregnant before they are independent enough to take care of themselves nevermind the baby. There is also a lot of pressure living with a newborn and once the disturbed nights kick in (unless they live in a soundproofed house) and the novelty wears off, it will look very different I'm sure. I bet his parents have already considered this. I reckon they will move out at some point and then you will be able to conduct your relationships with the rest of your OH's family without so much scrutiny from her. I await Sunday's report! :-)

Rumpskin

Hope you are okay lovely xx

Sparky0207

Well....finally had our little chat with the family and it went quite well I think!
Mother in law actually helped by starting it off (I thought she had a few concerns too) and she was telling us how she already has to do washing and cooking etc for SIL because she is too lazy to do it herself so there is no way she will let them continue to live there and she has told them they need to find their own space. They are also really concerned that they will be the ones left holding the baby as the girl does like to go out 4 or 5 nights a week and has made it clear that she has no intentions of giving up her social life after LO comes along.
I told them my concerns too and they both said that if they were in my position they would have the same concerns as me and they are perfectly aware that she has gotten herself pregnant as she is jealous of the attention I get. I could understand it if it was all we ever talked about whilst at his parents house but because of her jealousy, even right from the beginning we've deliberately kept the baby talk to a minimum whenever shes around so I just dont understand it!
We basically had a really good chat and got all of our concerns out in the open and I now feel much more confident that his parents will help and support us.
Meanwhile im desperately trying not to let it show that this girl is getting to me so much - we were at the parents house on Saturday lunch time when we heard a sobbing coming from the hall, went out there and SIL is lying at the bottom of the stairs claiming she had fallen down them from top to bottom. She then came in and started saying how she feels she may now lose the baby and wanted to go to hospital immediately - which of course got everyone rallied round her asking her is she was ok and if they could get her anything etc etc. If this did happen then I genuinely feel bad for her as I can imagine how worrying this would be but there was 5 of us sat in the dining room and Im positive at least one of us would have heard if she'd fallen down the stairs, also she didnt have a mark on her and it happened not 5 minutes after we'd turned up. Me and OH just looked at eachother and sat there while everyone else seemed really worried. Am I being reasonable to think that it was another bid for attention or am I just turning in to a mean old witch?

experienced

Morning Sparky!

I'm so glad your chat went well with your inlaws. I really think, based on what was said that everything is going to be ok for you. You guys are all on the same page and I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for this girl. Her issues are deeper than just ex jealousy if she is pretending to fall down stairs. I'm sure it has something to do with the parents asking them to find their own space. Who would possibly evict them during an endangered pregnancy? It sounds cynical but wow its like a soap opera isn't it? I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turned up one day and said she had lost the baby. If the pregnancy isn't getting her the attention she wants then maybe something else will? Plus I'm sure she now understands that the parents aren't going to keep picking up after her and suddenly the responsibility of it all is very real. I also feel sorry for the brother. She seems totally focused on you guys and not him! How does he feel about all this? I'm seriously concerned for her mental health. Oh and while I'm being a totally cynical ***** are we sure that she is actually pregnant?
I'm glad for you though. It must be a weight off your mind. I really think you can step back and just let it unravel around you. Just concentrate on looking after yourself and getting ready for your baby. x