Sorry in advance for this rant, need to know if this is a normal occurance in families with 'step children'.

A little backgound.

Been with OH for nearly two years. i'm thirteen weeks pregant(planned). We see his son (6)(from previous marriage with ex wife) every weekend and there has never been a problem as such with access. At first we had son practically all the time, we got on great, life was great. as time has gone on, ex wants son to see less and less of us, has got solicitor to write letter to say she wants son to see less of his dad. (In effect, cos she wants him more, so obviously his dad will see less of him!) i understand where she is coming from, she says she wants to see him more. but nothing is ever easy is it, she plays little games like, she'll say to son, oh we'll do such-an-such at the weekend, do you want to stay here or go to your dad's? son says he wants to stay with her, our plans get changed, then to top it off she doesn't follow the plan through, the outing or take away or gift never materialises. She sends him in clothes that are too small that he will not put on when it's time to go back to her house. we send him in our clothes, she doesn't give them back, simply says that she hasn't got them! i'm worried what she says to son when we're not there, he sometimes says some off the wall, unchild like things, this morning before he went back (For a game of rugby and a curry??? (that's the ruse this weekend) he said, 'if you havent got anything for the baby yet, like a cot or a pram, you're probably not having a baby'. i don't tell OH half half the bizarre things he comes out with because i think he thinks i'm mad anyway!! and read too much into things...

anyway, rant over, i am being an unreasonable cow aren't I? i am worrying about something that isn't really anything?? i just feel that something is brewing and all of this stuff i've ranted about is going to explode...anyone had similar experiences? how can i deal with it, without going slowly insane??

so its the son who says these things to u do u think his mum is feeding him words???

I'm sorry I really don't have any similar experiences, but I wanted to give you a

iwantone, i think so...x

My son lives with me but goes to his Dad's at weekends. He calls my new partner Dad (it was totally Zach's choice to do that, not mine at all!) And now the baby is coming along he wants to stay home with us more. His Dad, being the type of controlling person he is, is asking Zach if I am 'making' him stay home.

We have the same trouble with clothes, toys etc. He never buys him clothes and if I send him in decent clothes they never ever come back again. So I can totally sympathize!

I am not at all influencing my son, he is nearly 9 and is so excited to be having a sister or brother. But the clincher is that when I get married to my current partner- Zach wants to change his surname to my partners name. This has hurt his biological Dad's feelings, but Zach is adamant that it is something that he wants.

Well, when he told his biological Dad about his decision, he was made to feel so awful that he came home in floods of tears! I phoned his father up and had it out with him. I told him that he couldn't manipulate Zach like that because eventually he would end up hating him for it. Plus, I calmly explained that Zach is staying home out of choice not because we make him. I got our whole relationship thrown back in my face, right down to how he had always wanted a paternity test! I was faithfully with this man for four years!!!

I left him because he is a manipulative bully and I will not have him do that to my son.

It sounds to me hun, like you are getting the same things- his ex feels threatened about the impending reality of a brother or sister to your step son and she is totally mishandling the situation. Hence, your step son coming out with dodgy comments.

Don't forget that he has had all the attention though up until now and he himself might be feeling a bit wobbly that his Daddy won't love him as much when the baby arrives. It is up to you and your hubby to reassure him, because I am sure his mother won't under the circumstances.

It is difficult when two people have a history together and share children. I can make some people act in a way that they normally wouldn't just because they feel so threatened.

Try to ignore the silly comments, sit your step son down and have a really great chat with him when you both can to make sure he is feeling okay about the baby in himself.

Good Luck with your pregnancy!

Redhorse xxx

redhorse, thanks for your reply, it makes a lot of sense. hard times ahead me thinks!! x

I understand how you feel. We have problems with access to OH boy, everything is always made difficult for us, when really she should be thinking of the boy not of revenge or any such bother.
You're not selfish by any means, it is hard dealing with step children, it's a financial and emotional burden that you take on due to your love for your partner and it is a massive thing. Then when OH is missing the child so much you hurt for them too.
It really is difficult, I find it frustrating at times

Why not try and include the kid in the baby shopping so he feels part of it, or even get him to suggest names. It might help him not feel left out.

I've never had any experience in this, but I just wanted to send you some

he is involved now, he keeps coming back with name after name after name! these things are sent to try us aren't they??