Yesterday was my grandads funeral and it was so hard but he had a good send off full of tears and memories.

i 'know' he's gone but i can't cry or have any feelings towards it, i can't understand that i cant ever see him again or i wont ever hear his voice (moaning about the tele) or reading his newspaper upside down (well pretending so he didnt have to listen to my family moaning to him and fussing over him) he wont ever meet Macie-Leigh or see Jayden again ... did he go proud of me? why would he have been proud of me i have nothing to show for my life apart from my gorgeous baby boy (maybe i have worded that wrong but i am just confused) even when we were at the funeral i cried one tear (what the hell?!) i didnt want to leave him there even though inside i felt like he wasnt in that box ready to be burnt ... why my grandad?!!!! he was only 62 and should have had so many years ahead of him

why cant i cry for him?
why do i feel so down about not being able to cry?
is he ok?
does he like the way we arranged his coffin with his everton things in it?
was he proud of my brother as he walked him out of the streets in his army suit?

why is it so complicated?
sorry girls just having one of those days you know?

xxxxxx

Oh Rach I'm sorry you're so down, sometimes people find it hard to grieve, sometimes it because of denial that the person has gone. I'm sure he went very proud of you, you are an excellent mummy and Jayden is a happy healthy little boy. I hope that someday soon you'll be able to cry for him and you will feel so much better x

thank you becks .. some times i think to myself was he REALLY ready to go? but then i think of all the times he has said he was ready and wanted to because he was 'past it' but how could he have been past it at 62! he didnt even meet his great grandaughter and the last memory he has of jayden is him crying his eyes out (he is such a mummies boy) xx