Maybe somebody can help me or maybe you have had a similar story.

When my son was born the nurse bounced his head on my breast and then would force his mouth on because he wouldn't latch right after birth. I didnt know at the time what she was doing was going to have long time effects on my LO. From that day on he wouldnt BF. I was given a pump right away and pumped and bottle fed him. The nurses also gave him formula right away and said I didnt have a choice. We kept trying to get him to latch but it never worked. He would latch with a nipple shield but would cry after a few minutes and would go on strike. We went to a breastfeeding specialist, lactation consultants but nothing would help. He sometimes feeds in the bathtub and once at a play group we go to. He's 4 and a half months and Ive been pumping every day and giving formula at night and when I'm at work. Also a side note. If he's happy on my lap smiling away and I pull up my top to try to feed him he screams and cries until I pull my top back down. I dont know what to do. I feel cheated out of this wonderful bonding moment. I'm getting so sick of pumping and am really thinking about giving up and going to full time formula. Is 4 and a half months a long enough time for mommy milk?

I dont know if I typed this out just to get my feelings out or if I'm asking for advise or if I'm just needing a pat on the back and some encouraging words.

Thanks for reading

I'm sorry, I have no advice but I hope you're able to find a solution soon

Wow , you definnately deserve a pat on the back for expressing all this time- your little one seems to have been a bit traumatised by the midwives rough treatment (this is not uncommon and i was told that you shouldn't put your hand on the back of babies head to push him into the breast but most midwives do). How long would you ideally continue bf for? Have you tried leaving your top off after a bath with him and not trying to get him to feed? just so he gets used to them close to him but not threatening him? You could have to do this for a while to see if he gets comfortable with it. Feed him from a bottle with your top off and give him lots of cuddles on your skin and see what happens? I'm sorry if you have tried all this already - i don't know the answer, just suggestions.

You've done great already and given him a great start! Maybe persevere a bit if you can but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work

I've no advice I'm afraid, big hugs though, i have so much respect for anyone who manages to express long term. I think 4 months counts as long term for expressing because it's such hard work. I would imagine it is very upsetting as well when you try to offer the breast and he has such a bad reaction. Did you make a complaint about the nurse in the hospital?

You do deserve big hugs for pumping and persevering all this time.

I don't really know anything that could help
But when I'm puzzled by H I try *really* hard not to put grown up thoughts and feelings into her head and try to look more closely at her actual frame of reference.
Having said that, I wasn't aware LOs were commonly traumatised by initial BF experiences.

Guessing here, but if it were me, I would probably try and have as many topless cuddles as possible, games and fun, rolling around, raspberry blowing and general play. And try to keep my sad feelings hidden. (you probably do all that already)

It's a long way to go from bottles, formula, EBM to boob

I totally agree with this. Loads of skin to skin

Thanks all of you so much!

I have been doing some extra skin to skin cuddling with him the last couple days and it really seemed to help. He fed twice with the nipple shield and fed till he fell asleep. This never happens so I was very excited. I sang his favorite songs while feeding and that seemed to help as well. I have been co sleeping shirtless with him now and woke up this morning to him using my breasts as a pillowit was super cute. Looks like he is warming up to them a little bit
I'm still on the fence about continuing pumping. I want to give him the very best but I'm beginning to hate pumping. I'm trying to set a goal date to April 15th. That's when he's 6 months. Doesn't seem to far away actually.

Again Thanks so much for taking the time to write back and give advise or just kind words. It means a lot

Pumping until 4.5 months is an amazing achievement, well done!

I'd agree that lots of skin to skin when he's not hungry might make a difference. I really hope it works out for you but you've done a brilliant job whatever you decide

Awwwwwww

Wow! Your OP almost made me cry, I am so sorry that you had to have that kind of experience with the midwives/nurses! The hospital where I gave birth is very baby-centered and the nurses were exceptional. (abbotsford, BC, Canada). You have done such an amazing job, 99% of people would have given up right away!!!! You have given your baby your breast milk for 4.5 months where other people would not have been able to, and that is already ahead! I know for a fact that any amount of breast milk that goes into your LO's belly is all good, whether it is 6 weeks or 6 months! When I was having troubles with breast feeding I was told to do a 24 hour stretch of skin to skin contact, and I wasnt able to do that, but i did as many hours as I could and it really helped a lot. It seems like it is already working for you! Co-bedding is also really good for the baby IMO, and any extra time you can spend is great. From what I have heard, it is never too late to exclusively breast feed, especially since you already have the supply, but if you decide that you need to go to formula with work committments and everything else, I dont think its a problem at all, like I said, you gave him a tonne of breast milk already and you are doing wonders for him but teaching him that you are a mommy that never gives up when you know what's best for him and that is a great life lesson for your child!