OK

Raven just got back from a playdate with one of her friends from creche and because I wouldn't give her cola with her snack she threw the biggest tantrum I mean going red in the face sweating bawling screaming tantrum!!!

She has NEVER thrown one before so it caught me unaware and I ended up giving in which I didn't want to do but I didn't know how to handle it......

Any advice appreciated how do you deal with it?

its hard to see little ones distressed but id say no is no
if you give in ure giving the message that screaming will get you what you want
im all for treating kids when they are good but being naughty doesnt get you a treat

hope is doesnt sound harsh

No it doesn't sound harsh usually when you say no she just accepts it but as i said she has never thrown a tantrum before so it is so unlike her I think its because her friend Chelsea always throws them to gte her way and Rae spends 4 days a week with her maybe she was just seeing if she could get away with it???

I'd imagine the first time to be a shock to the system and naturally give in think I would but now you've had experience of it (poor you lol I dread it) to be prepared from now on and stick to NO means exactly that or LO will run you around her lil finger from now on

I rarely reply to posts about babies & kiddies behaviour, as I have never experienced much of the bad stuff and I know I have been so lucky for that, but I don't like it to seem that I am bragging, coz I am so aware I could have had it so different (other families kids), but when things needed dealing with I nipped things in the bud with Jade, as soon as she stepped out of line I would come down on her like a ton of bricks, sometimes I admit I was probably too harsh, but I never wanted her turning out like one of my sisters kids they were/are kids from hell, so I believe in jumping on things straight away.

If we was out, I would take her aside to where I could get the most private place and kneel down to her and make her look at me whilst I told her off in a stern voice and explained what she had done wrong, and make her sit in her buggy for the rest of the shopping trip (she hated losing her independence), I would then remind her what would happen if she played up when we was on our way out the next time. If indoors, I would drag her to a room (which was later replaced with the naughty step) and tell her she had to sit there until I came to get her and she can say sorry, if she doesn't say sorry, she will stay there even longer.

Maybe that sounds really strict, but Jade only bit me once, pinched once and there was a few things that repeated, but nothing major and definately NO tantrums! I have always wanted to be able to take my kiddies anywhere and know that they are going to behave, and I have that, and I will be doing exactly the same with Alfie - nip it in the bud and show exactly where the boundaries are, but you have to be CONSISTENT!

It has not always been easy, there was one night we threatened to take all of her toys out of her room if she didn't do something (I can't remember what, but she was being naughty) and the stubborn little thing replied "go on then" she was only just turned 4!! Paul had to empty every toy out of her room and take it into the garage, coz we had to follow thru, there is no way she was calling our bluff! So every toy went into the garage, and she never bat and eyelid........she has not always been the easiest to get the better of, as she is so stubborn (just like me).

And just incase I have come across as the mum from hell, I can assure you I am not, I have a great relationship with Jade and she is a lovely, well behaved 9 year old, who I am proud to take anywhere and leave with anyone, with me not having to worry about how she will be and what horror stories we will be going back to, it has always been that way.

There has been times I have cried because I feel I am always moaning at her every time I look at her, but sticking with it has been the best thing we ever did. x

We encountered something similar whenever Jade was with her cousins, it would undo everything we had done and make it such hard work to get back to where she was! She would find it acceptable to jump on the furniture, including tables, sulk if told no, throw tantrums and even hit.......these were the toughest times as seeing her cousins was something that was going to continue to happen, but I would dread it tbh.

Sadly you have your rules and they go swimmingly, but you add one tear-away into the mix, and it undoes the lot! x

i thought id reply with my experiences, not really any advice.

Rhys is only one and doesnt quite understand what is naughty but he knows the word 'no'. About 2 months ago he started laughing when i said 'no' and would continue doing it whilst looking at me and giggling. this frustrated me a lot and i knew i had to nip it in the bud so one day i calmly sat in front of him, looking him straight in the eye and said 'no, mummy said no' he didnt laugh, he didnt smile, in fact his bottom lip started wobbling. i didnt feel sorry for him i just got up and walked away. he followed for a hug and we had a cuddle which was nice. i did this for about a month and then it stopped working so now he has 'time out' on my knee for 30 seconds, after the 30 seconds is up i tell him why he was in time out and i let him down. whilst hes in time out i dont look at him or talk to him and he sits there quietly. the very few times hes bitten me ive smacked (tapped) his mouth and said no and when hes hit me ive smacked (tapped) his hand and said no.

when he is older time outs will become 'naughty step' with a timer of 1minute plus.

rhys still sometimes throws tantrums or is naughty in front of my friends and family but they know my routine and rhys responds quickly to the way we deal with things.

again this is just what i do

Thanks for the advice girlies I was talking to Chelseas mom and she said that over in her house any time chelsea is throwing a tantrum Raven throws one aswel!!! I am so annoyed that she didn't tell me about the tantrums cause I wouldn't of let her away with it at home and her excuse was "well you know kids will be kids" she doesnt have a problem with it!!!

So I have organised another childminder for 3 days so she will only be spending one day a week wit chelsea cause I cant leave my child with someone who doesnt believe in manners or discipline but I don't want to cut her off from Chelsea cause Chelsea is like family.

Because I gave in she has started throwing them quite often anytime she hears the word NO!!! Started the naughty step with her and it is working none today so far (touch wood) hope this works xoxoxoxoxo

Hate to come across all psychology-student-ish but this is what I know:

Basically, there's Social Learning theory which is that children learn a specific behaviour by watching someone else who uses it with positive consequences e.g. Raven watches Chelsea throw a tantrum and Chelsea gets what she wants so Raven learns that throwing a tantrum = getting what you want. Then if the child is proved right and their behaviour does get rewarded by getting what they want then it's reinforced.

To be honest, it's just a long winded way of saying what everyone else has said! But thought it might help to know that it is psychologicaly recognised.

Hope all goes well from now on! To be honest, you sound like you know what you're doing

Ellianna
xx

Good luck hun! x