ToriaLou's Journal

Hmmm not sure if I will keep up with this, Ialready have one of those LiveJournal thingybobs and barely even check my friend's list on there anymore, let alone update it...had so much on my mind!

Well, anyway...I'm Victoria, also known as Vicci. I'm 25 and work in bakery. I'm single and currently 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I live on my own in a little 1 bedroom flat and have a guinea pig.

I found out I was pregnant in the 1st or 2nd week of January after I thought I had thrush and then finding out it could be a 'symptom' of pregnancy and doing a test in the loos after work...a very faint line appeared. The next day I had my counselling session and mentioned it to my counsellor and as at the place I get my counselling they also do pregnancy tests etc she got me to see a nurse there that afternoon who did another test...and this time it was a much firmer, more definite line!

At the time I was going out with someone I met online, but looking back I'd rushed into that relationship. I did many things last year I'm not proud of...something happened and in some ways I went off the rails. One of them being well...to cut to the chase I'm not 100% sure who the father of my baby is. From the dates after the dating scan the night I would have conceived I was with someone who would come over now and then and we'd have some drink, watch a film...and then end up in bed...but like I said I was also going out with someone else. I'm not proud of my actions, and have no excuse for them. Before last year it was never something I would have done. I know how stupid I've been.

Neither of the men is really in the picture anymore. I split up with my boyfriend just after I found out I was pregnant because I realised he wasn't right for me, like other things...it was something I had rushed into to try and block out the pain of my last boyfriend passing away. It wasn't fair on either of us or the baby to carry on a relationship like that. The other guy...he can't really get involved because of his...situation. He texts sometimes and we've chatted a little since on MSN but that's it, he hasn't been over since I told him I was pregnant and it most likely his.

Sometimes I'm scared to death of having this baby. He's something I've wanted for years but it had never happened. My periods had always been all over the place if they even appeared at all...in the end I gave up wanting and just assumed it would never happen, that for some reason I wasn't allowed to ever have child of my own. I never imagined I'd be on my own. I live pretty far from the rest of my family and don't have many friends, and none that are really close. I struggle with depression and anxiety but my MW has been fantastic and thanks to her I get help now from a CPN as well as my counsellor. On the good side, I've been just about managing without the anti depressants since I found out I was pregnant.

Well...I guess that's it for now...I've written plenty already and probably too much.

Welcome to journals, I forgot about mine too but going to try and keep up with it.

I hope you have a happy healthy 9mths hun :hug:

Thanks :) With everything that's gone on lately I haven't had time to update this properly and didn't even notice the reply, lol. I should get onto updating it later :D

Well...where to begin? It's been a bit of a roller-coaster lately, and although I was worrying a little if the extra stress was going to be bad for my little one he's happily swimming about or whatever it he's doing in there quite a lot today. I'm still waiting for a nice cute bump, but the fact I was overweight already is probably hiding him lol.

We had my dad's (stepdad really...but he was much more of a dad than my father ever was and will be) funeral yesterday and I've come back 'oop north' today so am knackered, I was falling asleep on the train to Birmingham this morning... I'm not going to say much more about Frank, partly because I'm not really ready to, it was only yesterday that it sank in properly that it was real and he definitely wasn't going to be coming back. Funny that...the few days I was down there last week and then the couple of days I was there this week and He wasn't there...that should have been a big enough hint really. Could only spend a few days at a time there because of Bertie, who of course started wheeking at me as soon as I came in, bless him.

I've got my little one's name all picked out now, so he'd better definitely be a boy, lol. Nah...even if they were wrong about the gender at the scan I won't be bothered as long as he's ok and healthy when he's born. Anyway...name :) He's going to be called Christopher Francis for sure. It doesn't quite sound right with my last name on the end, but what the heck lol. I likes it :)

I guess I ought to start buying baby things now...or at least soon. I have plenty of stuff to do in the flat until next week as well to keep me busy...with no luck so far in finding something with more room than this place I'm going to start making room in the bedroom for his things. I reckon I could probably take my wardrobe down to be honest, most of what I own can be folded into a draw anyway. Once I stop using the floor as a wardrobe anyway ;)

Anyhoo...think I'm gonna make a nice hot chocolate and crawl into bed...at least I should sleep well tonight :sleep:

Wow sounds like you've been through the wringer Torialou.

Goodluck with everything. :)

X

Hey sweetie just wanted to give you big :hug: and say hope you're doing ok.

x

Hmm well although I planned on getting up early today it certainly wasn't planned to have been woken by the prat upstairs at 8am! First day back at work today after 3 weeks, I think being a bit nervous about it is what kept me awake til the wee hours this morning...which is silly...what do I have to be nervous about...I know that job inside out and it doesn't take much brain power to do it lol. I'm hoping my work pants still fit otherwise I'll end up going in some jeans or combats....for some reason the only clothes that have been getting tighter are my work pants, but not too uncomfortable...so I haven't had to buy any maternity clothes yet :)

Excited about MW coming tomorrow and hearing LO's heartbeat again :D He was moving around reallly low down last night and must have changed how he was or something because it went a bit higher up after a while. Even though it can be a bit of a distraction from trying to sleep, I love it when he moves...sometimes it's almost as if he's saying 'I'm still here mummy, I'm still ok...stop worrying so much!'

A couple of Family Support Workers are coming on Wednesday from the Children's Centre up the road so hopefully that will put my mind to rest about a few things.

Anyhoo, think I'm going to go get ready for work...I'm not in until 1pm but the neighbours' noise is driving me nuts and got to nip to tesco for a couple of bits so I might as well go and have a wander in town :)

Hope work goes ok for you today hun, im sure you'll be fine.

Lucky you not having to buy maternity clothes yet... am jealous!! :D

Take care :hugs:

Hey hun, just reading through some journals - I'm Nic & new to this section of the forum. How did you get on at work?

Work was fine, someone new had started in the 3 weeks I was off, and with the other new starter just before I took time off everyone's hours have been reduced which is a pain but it's only 2 hours less a week for me anyway :)

I managed to get my trousers done up - until I went to the loo an hour or so before we closed and had trouble doing them back up! I must have swollen a bit with theheat and everything. Mentioned it to the Assistant Manager, and thatI have a pair of trousers at home which have pockets in (we're not allowed any pockets) and still fit pretty well, when I was wearing them when I stopped with a friend last week they kept falling down alittle bit! She said it was fine, and that I could wear them if I needed to, so that's good :) I don't have to worry about squishing baba now :D

Asked her about my wages last week,only got £60 it was around maybe £20-30 short of what I was expecting, and £10 of what I got was a tax refund anyway! around £22 was Bank Holiday pay, and the rest was my actual Holiday Pay. Ang said 'cause I haven't actually 'accrued' them yet that's why Iam being paid shit for holidays.

I've been told to take all 5 weeks if possible before I go on Maternity Leave though, if wedon't take our holidays they don't carry over until next year or getpaid for them atthe end of theyear so arrggghhh. Ang said she's going to ring the Area Sales Manager but not long after we heard they'd closed 40 shops that morning so then of course the ASM wasbusy and we were all worrying about what that meant for us, especially as we have 2 shops here, but both of us make good money...so who knows....we shall see.


***

MW visit yesterday was great, couldn't help giggling a little and grinning when I heard his heartbeat again :D And I kept going 'Awwwwwww' :D

Won't be seeing her foranother 4 weeks because she has a holiday but I have a hospital appt. in 2 weeks anyway for a glucose tolerance thingymebob and something else...I think they want to check the growth that day too. Got my form to get a matenity exemption certificate now, so can get that posted today, and hopefully in the next few weeks I can get to the dentist because I swear all I need to is *look* at my gums and they start bleeding :rofl:

Pleased things went well at work for you and you can get the money side sorted asap. :hugs:

So...I posted somewhere and noticed that I'm in the third trimester now. Eeeeeek!

It's gone by a lot faster than I thought it would, I'm nowhere near ready for this baby, and I'm pretty scared about it at the moment...not the actual birth itself, more the having another life completely depending on you and what if I can't look after it properly or what if he cries and I can't stop him, I won't even know what's wrong with my own child....I overthink things too much sometimes, and it's probably perfectly normal to have all these fears isn't it?

Changing the subject...day off tomorrow so Bertie can get cleaned out...and I think he knows I'm talking about him...he's jsutstarted wheeking at me. Ofcourse, it's more likely that he's hungry again the greedy little bugger lol. If I give myself a big enough kick up the backside I can get all these shelves behind me sorted out and cause the bins are emptied in the morning I will have room to throw more crap out...yay! :D

Naturally none of this will happen if I log onto warcraft. Must resist ;)