Raelene's Pregnancy Journal :)

So I was going to wait until I hit my 2nd trimester to start a journal, but I was reading everyone else's and decided to go ahead with it.

So my name is Raelene. I'm 20 years old and I'm finishing up my last year of a Political Science degree. I live on a little tiny (backwards) rural island in the middle of the North Atlantic called Newfoundland (which is in Canada, unfortunately a lot of people don't know where it is). My boyfriend's name is Adam and we have been together for 10 months. We had every intention of getting engaged this summer, but I think that will be put on hold for a few more months at least now.

Needless to say, while trying to finish university, a baby was the very LAST thing on my mind. Adam and I had plans to get engaged, finish school, get jobs, get married, buy a house, travel, save money, and THEN have kids. Sometimes though, things don't always work out the way you plan them!

I found out I was pregnant 2 days after Easter Sunday. Adam and I were visiting my parents for the holiday and we got stuck there because Adam got sick and put in the hospital. I was a complete emotional wreck when I was home. I cried over everything - I couldn't get the internet set up, I felt fat, Adam said some little minscule thing that wasn't even important and I bawled my eyes out. Then 2 days later my boobs started to hurt like craaaazzyyyy. Adam joked around and told me to go take a pregnancy test. I bought one, but I was hesitant because I fully fully thought that it was going to be a waste of money and that there was no way in hell I was possibly pregnant. So here I am, peeing on a stick, and as soon as it hit the test, lo and behold this DARK, STRONG pink line shows up. Well I almost threw up because as I said before, I wasn't even seriously considering the possibility that it may be positive. This was a week before my period was due as well, so I thought if I WAS pregnant, it would still be negative at that point. So I went and bought two more tests. Also positive!

So here I am, 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant telling you my story. It has been kind of rough, Adam and I haven't been having the best time due to this being a complete surprise, my horomones, and him not really being ready to be a dad yet. But we're working on it and trying to give it another shot because deep down we both know that we are right for each other.

I'll post some belly pictures later, I'm taking a new one today.

So I was going to wait until I hit my 2nd trimester to start a journal, but I was reading everyone else's and decided to go ahead with it.

So my name is Raelene. I'm 20 years old and I'm finishing up my last year of a Political Science degree. I live on a little tiny (backwards) rural island in the middle of the North Atlantic called Newfoundland (which is in Canada, unfortunately a lot of people don't know where it is). My boyfriend's name is Adam and we have been together for 10 months. We had every intention of getting engaged this summer, but I think that will be put on hold for a few more months at least now.

Needless to say, while trying to finish university, a baby was the very LAST thing on my mind. Adam and I had plans to get engaged, finish school, get jobs, get married, buy a house, travel, save money, and THEN have kids. Sometimes though, things don't always work out the way you plan them!

I found out I was pregnant 2 days after Easter Sunday. Adam and I were visiting my parents for the holiday and we got stuck there because Adam got sick and put in the hospital. I was a complete emotional wreck when I was home. I cried over everything - I couldn't get the internet set up, I felt fat, Adam said some little minscule thing that wasn't even important and I bawled my eyes out. Then 2 days later my boobs started to hurt like craaaazzyyyy. Adam joked around and told me to go take a pregnancy test. I bought one, but I was hesitant because I fully fully thought that it was going to be a waste of money and that there was no way in hell I was possibly pregnant. So here I am, peeing on a stick, and as soon as it hit the test, lo and behold this DARK, STRONG pink line shows up. Well I almost threw up because as I said before, I wasn't even seriously considering the possibility that it may be positive. This was a week before my period was due as well, so I thought if I WAS pregnant, it would still be negative at that point. So I went and bought two more tests. Also positive!

So here I am, 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant telling you my story. It has been kind of rough, Adam and I haven't been having the best time due to this being a complete surprise, my horomones, and him not really being ready to be a dad yet. But we're working on it and trying to give it another shot because deep down we both know that we are right for each other.

I'll post some belly pictures later, I'm taking a new one today.

oh i know all about what happens when plans are made...
little :baby:'s turn up and decend your life into chaos lol. not that its a terrible thing but it takes some getting used to.
I also hear what your saying about your OH and finding things hard... im in the same boat. saying that though when me and OH discussed children and our future and we decided on after I finish university and I'm settled in a job etc (basically 5 yrs time) and we planned to get engaged and married in between... those plans make me laugh now lol.

Congrats on starting a journal hun!! Somewhere to have a good rant if you need one!!:hugs:

Why is it that a baby always come along when you least expect it and you finally make some life plans!!

Hey,thought I'd add the third comment on your journal...

Ahhh,plans...I know how those go.I thought,hey I'll finish college,get a great job,do whatever I want,I will never get married or have kids,if I'm lucky I'll find a guy who I can lean on to...

Yep,that aint happening...

But still,I'm happy with the cards I've been dealt...I'm not gonna drop out of college,I worked it out and soon I'll have a beautiful baby girl.
Thats the path I'm going with,just because something isn't planned doesn't mean that it's not right.

Looking forward to reading your updates...huge :hug: and I hope you and Adam work out your issues or at least find the best solution...a baby changes all...

Well, the last couple of days have NOT been good with me and Adam. I'm pretty much out of this relationship. As bad as it sounds, I'd like to stick around until the end of the summer so I can get one more semester out of the way, but I don't know if I can handle it. I mentioned being roomates today but the idea didn't fly very well.

I just feel like he doesn't understand me at all! Its like he's completely disregarding the fact that I'm pregnant. I told him that when I'm pregnant he's supposed to be nicer to me, not meaner. Its just like he doesn't care, its not there, its not happening. And its making me REALLY angry because as much as he doesn't care right now, I know if I leave he'd cause hell in court because its "his" baby. I just honestly can't believe that he is giving me such a hard time. He half got me in this position, why the hell does he think he has some right to treat me like shit now? I'm angry and in a mad preggo rage over it all. I'm not the type of person to stay around and be treated badly, but now I feel like if I do leave, I'm going to have to deal with so much shit and he's going to fight to take the baby.

And his MOTHER is another story. That woman, I can't believe her either. I'm 10 weeks tomorrow and she hasn't even acknowleged that I'm pregnant. She hasn't spoken to me, stopped inviting us over for dinner, hasn't even asked me how I'm feeling. Its ridiculous. I feel like I'm being blacklisted against for something I really have no control over. You're supposed to feel happy when you're pregnant and I just feel like an outcast that's being treated like someone who HAS to be around, but its okay to just treat her like shit? When exactly did I turn into that person? I didn't know being pregnant put me on the outside of society or made me some horrible person.

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday and I cannot wait. I'm showing way huge for 9 weeks 6 days, and I think I could possibly be further along. Everyone keeps telling me I'm having twins, but I think I'm just further along. I don't get an ultrasound until July 7th but I'm going to try to beg my doctor for one if I can. I don't really like her, I feel like she's going to think I'm insane if I tell her I think I'm further along.

Arggg stress. I can't upload a picture for some reason, but my newest bump pic is in the first trimester if you want to check it out.

I had my 2nd prenatal appointment on Thursday! It went pretty well. My doctor isn't overly concerned that I'm so big already, so I guess I shouldn't be either. My mom told me she showed early as well so maybe I'm turning after her.


I HEARD THE HEART BEAT! I'm not crazy! There really is a baby in there! haha. It was really nice. It wasn't incredibly fast though, but I didn't get an exact reading. The old wives tales say that above 140 is a girl, under 140 is a boy. I'm going to guesstimate and say that it was under 140. Only time shall tell!

My next appointment is June 3rd.

I start classes on Monday again. 6 courses this summer, I haven't attempted that before. I always only do 5 because that is a full course load. So we shall see how it goes :)

Awww hun that must of been so lovely to hear the heartbeat, i bet you were so pleased!!

how wonderful it must have been to hear the heartbeat!! And another appointment just around the corner :) it seems all so real for you now doesn't it? Glad baby is healthy!

Hope you can manage your summer classes :) good luck!!

So I've got a really long story about what is going on with me and Adam now.


I'm home with my parents. I came home on Monday. I had to give up everything. My boyfriend, my school, my life. But I'm working it out now so I can do 3 courses through distance and I'm going to be able to work full time as well. So it might actually work out better for me.

Adam and I actually ARE still together but it is incredibly strained. I'm not sure how much longer its actually going to hold out. We got in a HORRIBLE fight last night on the phone. I was pretty much ready to just go to bed and stay there for the rest of my life haha. We got into it over his mother and how she doesn't seem to even care about the baby whatsoever, his spending habits, my mood swings, everything. Everything we could possibly fight about, we fought about. Everything seem to be alright today but we'll see when he gets off of work. I have no idea how much longer I can deal with this at all.

He is supposed to be moving here in September until the baby is born. I'm going to spend the summer turning my parents basement into sort of a mini apartment suite for us so we can have some privacy once the baby is born.

I've got to go to a new doctor now too. That is kind of good because for one, its a male. I'm entirely sketched out about female doctors. Everytime I've seen one I've had a terrible, terrible experience. Also, he has known me since I was younger and treats my entire family. So I'm happy about that.

My parents have talked me into writing children's stories to send in to get published. I do have a talent for whipping out kids stories in about 50 seconds flat, so I'm going to see what I can work on. If you have any suggestions about things I could write about, let me know!!!

I started my courses today :)

I know, I'm a nerd. I love school to the point that its an addiction haha. I'm only doing 3 courses now, but I'm doing them online through the university so that works for me! I am excited about it though. I'm doing Deviance (behind the minds of criminals....heheh), Criminal Justice, and the Sociology of Health. I'm not really sure if I'm going to like the health one or not, but it could be alright.

I have this horrribbleeee pain shooting down my leg right through my toes today. Its pretty much to the point I don't want to walk on it so I'm trying to lay down and get off it for a bit.

Oh, also. You may all think I'm crazy, but I'm 99% sureee I felt somewhat of a flutter last night. I know I'm only 11 weeks and you aren't supposed to feel anything this soon. I could be wrong, but it defintely was something I have never felt in my entire life, ever. Maybe its wishful thinking, but I'm going to keep thinking it, anyhow :)

Hah looking back on my last post, I'm laughing.

I'm not really sure how I feel about everything that has happened in the last few days. I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down in just a few short weeks. I find out I'm pregnant, I quit school (well physically), I left the city I was living in for 3 years by myself to move home with my parents, I left all of my friends, and I broke up with my boyfriend and the babys dad. I did NOT plan this pregnancy, but I do think that things happen for a reason so there was no way I was aborting it. And then just a few short weeks after all of that happens...I find out I could very well be 3 months more pregnant or I could be carrying twins!

I feel like my entire life is in upheaval. Its not the same at ALL as it was just a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. There isn't one single part of my life that has been left untouched by this pregnancy. I feel so incredibly guilty because I know there are people out there who try so, so hard to get pregnant and can't do it, and then there are people like me who can't appreciate it as much as I should.

I just feel like everythings been shoved on me all at once! And now I don't feel like I've bonded enough with my baby. I mean, I know its there and stuff, but all I really have to prove my pregnancy even exists is being constantly sick (thank you diaclectin) and a stick with a purple line that I peed on in March!! My ultrasound is next Wednesday but these next 7 days are going to be the longest of my life, I can tell.

I'm also having a major issue with how much weight I'm gaining. I was never a really skinny girl, but I was just average and now all of a sudden out of nowhere I'm huge. It is all just baby, its all on my tummy, I haven't gained an ounce of weight anywhere else on my body, but its still difficult to digest.


I feel like an ungrateful whiner, but I'm really just nervous that I won't be able to appreciate or accept this baby as quickly or as well as I should. I know I'll be a good mom when it comes down to it, but its just the getting there. I am scared that I'm going to be one of those people that ends up unwillingly rejecting their baby. The way I'm feeling at this moment about this pregnancy is not pointing in a good direction. I just need to get my scan done and my life to calm down. I need a pause button! Or a fast-forward one.

I can imagine!! Find out your pregnant can be enough of a shock let alone what you've had to deal with this past week or so.

But you know the saying "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger"

Your back with your family, so get as much support as you can from them of your finding it a bit too overwhelming.

Once you get that ultrasound and have a definate answer as to how far gone you are and if its twins, and once youve seen your LO or LO's im sure you'll feel a bit better rather than not knowing.

I hope it all turns out well for you hun

I feel for ya honey, it must be hard not knowing what is going on. I hope this time passes quickly for you and you get your answers soon!!:hug:

:hugs:

Rae,what you are feeling,it's so perfectly normal.
My life hasn't changed almost at all,but still there is not one part of it that stayed the same since I found out.The same as with you...nothing in my life stayed untouched.And thats the way it's supposed to be.

You went through such a difficult time with this pregnancy.This is too much for everyone and I think you're dealing with it very brave.
And after this anxiety is all gone,you and your LO(s) will be bonding just because you went through all this together,your baby(s) will never be more real to you then in the thoughest moment,trust me I know.

Just get through these 7 days till your scan and then things are gonna flow much easier for you...it will be a big rock getting off your chest.

Major :hug:

Aww you have totally been through it though its no wonder you're feeling a bit confused. I think when you're not planning for a baby it is a total change of everything. If i wasnt at home and traveling to uni i would no doubt have had to move back etc. I also have only just started bonding with my bean, i couldnt even imagine there was something in there or that i really cared that much at that point, until more and more kicks started coming and now its so different. I dont think there is a stage you're MEANT to be at, its different for everyone. Just be sure you will bond with your baby if its next week or when he/she is born so dont panic. :hugs: :hugs: Hopefully now all the good things will happen to you :) Also you might feel soooo different after you find out you're pregnant with quads :rofl: :rofl: bring on the 11th :)

Thanks girls, I'm feeling a bit better about it all this morning. I was having a really, really hard time with it last night because I was missing Adam on top of it all. As much as I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with him again, I am used to having him around 24/7 so I sort of miss his company.

I was picking at some spicy stuff my sister was eating this morning and I felt a big bloooooooooooooooop go right across my belly so I'm happy this morning :D

I'm awesome at describing how it feels haha

A bloooooooop lol? Are you sure it wasnt a swoooooooooosh haha

:rofl: told you I'm bad at it. Swoooosh would probably be a better description.

Hehehe I completely understand. Half the time I am not sure if I feel the baby moving or if it is in my head! :hugs:

Rae I think you are doing amazingly well considering all the changes you have had to adjust to. Most women feel similar doubts at the best of times but it is clear that you adore your baby(s) and are going to be a wonderful mom. Bonding is a weird thing - it takes time, it comes and goes and it is an unreliable way of measuring love.

I wish things could be easier for you and hope they will get easier from now on. And I wish there was something to help ease heartache.

We are here for you though! x

Blooooooop?........... Oh could it be? :rofl:

I'm not only having quads, I'm having robot quads that make noises like blooooooooopppp when they move :)

Just got through reading your journal... wow, you've been through a lot. Good luck for your scan, it must be so difficult to not know what's going on. :hugs:

So Adam "needs some time to think about it" in regards to if he ever wants to see the baby or not. Okay, MORON, how much thinking does it really take!?!?!

Getting some papers drawn up next week (I think) with a lawyer stating he can't see the kid unless he comes in here or I go out there for him to sign. Obviously he doesn't give a shit.

Oh, also, I mentioned the word "custody" and he goes "Rae, custody is only if both people actually WANT the baby".


<INSERT VERY CHOICE WORDS HERE>

:hug::hug:

I know you've been through an awful lot these past weeks and I truly and sincerely believe that things will be on the up and up soon. Right now you are also in limbo not knowing what the heck is happening in your pregnancy. Answers would be nice right away, but with all things in pregnancy, it seems one has to wait and wait.

Things have definitely changed in your life but I truly think there will be one constant factor from here on out and that is the increase of your love for your baby or babies.

:hug:

So Adam "needs some time to think about it" in regards to if he ever wants to see the baby or not. Okay, MORON, how much thinking does it really take!?!?!

Getting some papers drawn up next week (I think) with a lawyer stating he can't see the kid unless he comes in here or I go out there for him to sign. Obviously he doesn't give a shit.

Oh, also, I mentioned the word "custody" and he goes "Rae, custody is only if both people actually WANT the baby".


<INSERT VERY CHOICE WORDS HERE>

Personally, I think he should just go screw himself!

I don't think I've ever been quite so moody in my entire life as I am today. Oh, how I long for the days when I was a sane, rational, in control human being who didn't want to hit every 2nd person that walked by. :hissy::hissy:

So Adam "needs some time to think about it" in regards to if he ever wants to see the baby or not. Okay, MORON, how much thinking does it really take!?!?!

Getting some papers drawn up next week (I think) with a lawyer stating he can't see the kid unless he comes in here or I go out there for him to sign. Obviously he doesn't give a shit.

Oh, also, I mentioned the word "custody" and he goes "Rae, custody is only if both people actually WANT the baby".


<INSERT VERY CHOICE WORDS HERE>


:gun:

Can he be a bigger idiot?!

Big :hugs: ,you'll get through this!

So Adam "needs some time to think about it" in regards to if he ever wants to see the baby or not. Okay, MORON, how much thinking does it really take!?!?!

Getting some papers drawn up next week (I think) with a lawyer stating he can't see the kid unless he comes in here or I go out there for him to sign. Obviously he doesn't give a shit.

Oh, also, I mentioned the word "custody" and he goes "Rae, custody is only if both people actually WANT the baby".


<INSERT VERY CHOICE WORDS HERE>

Wow! I have a whole bunch of really choice words for that little boy.
I don't know if this is something that will work for you but when I want to punch people I go take it out on a punching bag. It's great stress relief.

I'm sorry if this upsets you or sounds harsh but it sounds to me like your better off well and truely out of that hun. He obviously isn't mature enough to think seriously about what is best for your child as it seems to be about what he wants. I'm sure your going to be an amazing mum whether its 1 baby or half a dozen

I'm just so upset with him right now. Its bad enough that I am the one who has to carry the baby. I am the one who had to quit school. I am the one who had to give up my friends and my entire life for this baby. Because of him, because of what he helped to do. And he does nothing. He doesn't have to be sick or have his body taken over. He didn't have to quit his frickin job, he didn't have to give up every single bit of independence he has. And now, I had to call him because the warrenty for my laptop is still out in his apartment...and he tells me about his spectacular weekend out partying with this girl that we had issues over. He no doubt hooked up with her.

I haven't broken down over any of this yet since I moved home, but I just cannot deal with this anymore. I have pretty much laid my bed as for dating in the next few years. Who in their right minds around my age is going to date a girl with a baby? Very few. Nobody wants to be tied down. And he gets to go hook up with someone right away? And its nothing?

Its just not fair and I'm so sick of everything just being on me with him getting to do whatever the frig he wants. I don't want to be with him, but the thought that he's with this girl, especially being who she is and what problems she caused in our relationship, makes me literally physically sick.

Just because I have morals and decided to keep the baby, I get absolutely nothing but stress and heartache over it. He gets nothing, he doesn't even care that I'm gone.


I've never actually hated someone in my entire life. Yes, disliked, but never that deep running hate. But my God, I hate him.

Try not to think about him, i know it will be really hard, but in the long run he will be the one missing out not you.
He can go out and party as much as he wants, but once you have done that once its all the same. He is just trying to make you jealous.
You will be the one that will be enjoying bringing up your child and that will be the most rewarding thing ever.

Oh dear, and my biggest problem is bell mobility and telling my riding coach I was pregnant, lol!

Honestly Rae, this adam is an idiot. I would personally not give or push custody on him. He obviously does not want or care about the baby, so he will never be interested in giving the baby the attention and love it deserves, and nothing you can do can force him, he is too young for the responsibility... and only using condoms or the pull out method arnt good methods of birth control.

I think you should deny him custody and make him pay child support. You will be able to get on with your life and not deal with him.

You may not date right when your baby is born. But having a baby does not mean your life is over, it doesnt mean you wont meet someone and get married and have a family together. You are very young, most relationships you have at your age are not ones that nessecarily last anyways. Because as you grow up, your priorities and desires in life change, especially after school.

Good luck! All that is important right now is looking after yourself and getting ready for your baby.

It's completely understandable that your angry with him and extremely hurt. I know your going through alot at the moment and I truely hope it gets a bit easier for you but just try and remember however much he tries to forget he has a child it will come back and bite him in the ass. Chances are that when he's older and (again sorry if this upsets you) he is settled down maybe with a couple of kids your baby will get curious about his/her daddy and go searching for him. Adam has then got to explain why he was never there for your baby, why he didn't want him/her and if he's not honest with any future partners he will also have to deal with them finding out. I hope your scan went well today btw

Raes baby may not care who its father is later in life. My OH's father left when he was a baby and never saw or visited or called. And my OH has accepted that his dad was just an arse and really doesnt WANT to know the arse who didnt want him. He had a good childhood with his mom and stepdad and is going to be an excellent father himself.

Thanks girls :)


I am just so fucking frustrated right now with everything. Its bad enough that I had to pretty much beg to get an ultrasound done for weeks, then he tells me I'm measuring at 24 weeks...and that he's "99% SURE" that he isn't wrong...and then they make me WAIT two weeks to get an ultrasound done, only to tell me that apparently I'm not further along at all (thats what the tech said), but now need to get another scan in 2 more freakin' weeks to check the development cause it might not be right!??


I AM SO GLAD I LIVE IN 2008. They can put a fucking space ship on Mars but they can't tell me how many weeks pregnant I am.

I just don't even mentally know a way to express how friggen pissed off and upset and stressed out and just angry over the entire situation.


Oh, and get this....I can get a picture of my ultrasound....IN TEN FUCKING DAYS.

Arggggggggggg :gun::gun::gun:


Am I a horrible person for staying on Appear Offline and not answering my phone? I don't mind talking to the people in here, but I do NOT want to friggen explain myself 100xs about what the results of the ultrasound were.

I cancelled my job interview, I have myself locked in my bedroom...I just don't want to talk to or see anyone at all.

You're really going through a rough time, I can only imagine how frustrated you are :hugs: Hope they work out the whole development thing soon.
:hug:

oh i feel for you. Sorry your going through this

I don't really know what to say hun. I've just read your journal and agree with the other girl's that baby's dad is just an @rse. I don't blame you for being angry hun, you are going through hell right now but in 15 years when you are talking things over with your daughter / son you'll tell them that if you could go back and change things you wouldn't cos if you did you wouldn't have him /her.

You've not said much about your mum or dad - are they being supportive?

You've not said much about your mum or dad - are they being supportive?



My mom and dad have been incredible, they're a great support. I have no idea where I'd be without them right now.

Hun you shouldnt feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone!!

Sounds like your having a bit of a crappy time with it right now so i dont blame you for wanting to shut yourself away for a bit :hugs::hugs:

Gosh, my bump looks so insane. I feel like I've exploded out of nowhere. I was big before, but I am HUGE now. I can't even imagine what I'm going to look like in 23 more weeks. What a nightmare! And I'm not even gaining weight on the rest of my body, its all just my belly.

Anyway, tonight, baby has decided he wants to curl up on my left side. So the right side of my bump has gone down and now its all over on the left side. Completely lopsided, but kind of cute. I'm getting major kicks tonight too, I've just felt 5 or 6 in a row and there is no mistaking them for anything else now!!

Kinda getting excited! Can't wait for Tuesday to see what the doc has to say. I'm still half expecting for him to say September, to tell you the truth.

Aww that must feel so lovely!! i cant wait until i feel some little kicks!!

I'm so bad at keeping this up.

I've been invaded with stretchmarks and I am not dealing with them well. I'm practically drowning myself in bio-oil daily. I bought this new Curel Pregnancy product and it seems like it might do the trick! The ones I do have now are very slowly starting to turn silver already so hopefully that is the bio-oil doing its magic, and hopefully the Curel will help prevent any more! I also drowned myself in self-tanner. I feel soooo much better about myself and it kind of hides them a little bit. It is amazing what a little bit of colour will do for your self-esteem!

So I found out I'm having a baby GIRL. That is weird because I was so certain that I was having a boy. When I first got pregnant I thought it was a girl, then I started carrying all out front so I thought it was a boy. But I was wrongg! I have a shameless little girl, she can't keep her legs closed. I'll be keeping an eye on her, that is for sure!!

I haven't felt any pokes or kicks or whatever it was I was feeling for almost 5 days now, but I can still feel her moving. She feels like shes crawling around in there haha, it is by far the weirdest feeling of my life. My body has defintely been invaded now!!!

I'm pretty much set on the name Penelope now, but I've also discovered the name Anastasia which is beautiful as well. So now I'm stuck. Still leaning towards Penelope but Anastasia is floating around in my head somewhere. I'd say I'm going to have a baby name book when I'm in labour and close my eyes and point when I'm pushing haha.

I love the name Penelope, I like it shortened to Penel too :cloud9:

I like Penelope too Rae ... its been your favourite for a while now i think you should stick with it lol!!