The pregnancy journal of Mary Black - mBLACK.

Been thinking of a way to spend my evenings, since I'm so tired all the time and haven't got the energy to exercise, so here's my pregnancy journal. Well, this is how it all happened.

:-#I had been dating this guy for about 3 months (but have known him + been close-ish to him for about 8 years) - he was 17 years old and I was 14, almost 15 years old. Now, we had been BD'ing for this time, sometimes quite often. Thinking back on it I was being a dumbshit. But hell, everybody was having sex, it was just the thing to do. Being the dumb teenagers we were, he convinced me I wouldn't get pregnant, seeing as 'people do it all the time' unprotected. I, being the fool I was, believed this statement and we continued on using no form of contraception, for some time. Just the 'pull-out' method, and other times that didn't stick. Don't get me wrong, we did use condoms occasionally, we just prefered not to.

Well, suprise suprise. One night I decided to go to my friend Richard's house (he's allowed to drink + smoke pot in his house - I know, bad Mary). Mind you, I rarely ever drank and I did not smoke weed. Ever(I have a bad past with using hard drugs and messing my heart up). But before I went to his house I fueled myself up on about 5 or 6 beers, since me and my OH were fighting at the time. The night was kind of blurry, I'm an easy drunk (well I was 5'0 and 100 pounds - what do you expect?). At the end of the night I had some serious stomach pains, and that's when I started thinking I may very well be pregnant. I was a constant smoker at the time too, I pledged to quit smoking but that didn't happen until later on in the pregnancy.
The next day I had stinging pains in my boobs so bad I cried, and that's when I decided to get a pregnancy test.
Negative.:bfn:
Whoo - good thing. Was I sure scared to shit! So a few more weeks go by, and I realized that my libido no longer existed, my mood swings were constant and at this point my 'time' had been long overdue. I went to the mall to pick up another pregnancy test (that came with two!), and voila, the little + that changed my life. :bfp::

:muaha:Now, up to now I have had a sort of 'bad' past.. involving extreme ecstasy use, cocaine, narcotics, alcohol and prescription drugs, and expultion from 3 schools in one year, for quite some time. I had been off them for about 8 months at that point. I told my grandmother the night after(She is my legal guardian - long story with my mother). She, in turn, told my uncle whom I live with, and she got me to go to the doctor and take a test. Of course it turned up positive. They were very very upset with me for quite some time.. well, not a horrible long amount of time, maybe only a couple of weeks which felt like eternity. My uncle pressured me to get an abortion. There was only one point in my pregnancy where I considered it - but the idea was shot down within hours.

I was relying on my OH's family and him for support - they were very supportive. But first I must tell you about him and his family. He is a very very mentally unstable boy, and when I started dating him I admit I went a little unstable myself. I guess that's why they say you become as sick as the person you're with. He always was getting jealous over nothing, flirting with other girls and accuse me of cheating on him. He also had very bad problems with self-esteem and anger problems. UNBELIEVEABLE anger problems. At one point he started talking about killing himself because I broke up with him for lying to me, and he started kicking the shit out of trees.
A person like that would have to come from a pretty messed up family, huh? Well his mother, she seems nice, but boooy does she have some issues. She used to let him do drugs in the house, and her and his father would play the blame game daily. They also refused to drive across town to pick him up because he didn't want to be at a place where people were doing drugs + drinking excessively.
Now on to his father - discusting old man. His workplace is inside of his house, in the basement, so there's always old men around there. His dad would also come and walk up to me and smile and stare, for absoloutely no reason. My OH at the time, also told one of his friends that he found a sex tape of his father and this girl named Samatha Weins having sex, which is discusting because he's in his late fourties and she is under the age of 18.

:dohh:I know - what the *UCK was I thinking!?!? Well, as the pregnancy progresses and people aren't as mad anymore, everybody started warming up to the idea of a baby. We jump from one plan to another, and eventually it is decided I will stay here with my grandmother and my uncle, and work with my grandmother at her workplace to earn some money, doing homeschooling at the same time. Eventually, the baby changes everything, and me and my OH break up. I decide that I don't want him seeing his son or having any contact whatsoever with him, seeing as all he does is drugs now, HE'S AFFILIATED WITH GANGS, and he has severe anger problems along with a sick discusting family and mental issues. Well, he wouldn't take no for an answer so he keeps bugging me and bugging me. He harassed me day and night, calling me nonstop, I threatened to call the cops on him and he still wouldn't stop.
It pissed me off to the point where I told him I would go right now and call crime stoppers(he has committed numberous unsolved crimes around Winnipeg - and I had that proof on my cell phone!) on him and get his ass sent to jail where it belonged. Well, needless to say, he's finally out of my and my little one's life. MY little one.
Sometimes I don't know whether to question if I just did that out of spite - or if he genuinely shouldn't have the right to see his own baby.
The scary thing is, if an opposing gang knows that he has a child, they may come after me and my baby first.

I don't want my baby to be susceptible to violence and that kind of behaviour.
Also I'm involved in a group called "Forum Quorum", a group of travelling actors and writers, that perform 'forum theatre'. I used to be working in this group as a partial writer and a full-time actor, but now that I'm pregnant I decided to just direct and write this play(it's in June - I'll be too big to perform). And I have done a good amount of writing, modelling and acting in my life. I guess I was subjected to it because my father is a big actor in the Aboriginal community, and my auntie is a big writer in the Aboriginal community. Since I was 9 my dream was to act on television, which I already have accomplished, but I wanted to do more, aswell as theatre and movies. I've had a good taste of them all, and theatre was my favourite, but now ..

:cry:It's hard. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life anymore. I had it all planned out, but much of my life plans involved constantly being away from home. Forum theatre is a TRAVELLING group of actors.. the movies, t.v ads, they can't all be done in Winnipeg.. actually, a very small percentage can be done in Winnipeg.. And even then, it's not making a steady living. My workplace, Ma mawi, is a resource centre. I'm in training to become an accountant there, which is probably what I will stick to, but.. it just seemed so important to do something you LOVE doing in life.:hissy:
I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, I have been to the darkest place of the world and back. I have lived the streets, I have partied for months, I have suffered severe drug addiction for a long time and I have walked the land of the dead. The land of the drug addicts. Along with that I have had alcohol poisoning and almost died from overdose MANY times, also I have suffered extreme withdrawals which nearly killed me, and I lived to tell about it.
The fact that I'm even ALIVE amazes me everyday. Now I have the gift of bringing a child into the world.. I almost feel guilty.
Why me.:(
Why not all those other people who try forever but never seem to conceive?
I guess I'm just really really damn lucky. And really really damn thankful.

And here we are today. I'll post pics of how big I got, along with a before and after pregnancy photo (Bare in mind, I just got my digital camera last week, so most of the pictures are taken with webcam).. So far, 25 weeks - gained 20 pounds.

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/SKINNY.jpg

That's me about two years ago(Sorry only picture where it shows the size of my belly before pregnancy) I pretty much stayed the same size.

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture140.jpg

Me 14ish weeks pregnant.

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture194.jpg

Me 17 weeks pregnant (I know - I'm HUGE!)

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0014.jpg
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0012.jpg

Me 24 weeks.:happydance:

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/14-09-07_1235.jpg
Me last year
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/09-01-08_1932.jpg
Me about 3 1/2 months ago

Wow, hon, quite the story you have!

First of all, congratulations for kicking the drug habit. I know it must be so hard. We own a roofing company and goodness, the trade workers always have issues with drugs, so it seems. I've seen some get help but only to go right back in it again. So, I implore you to stay off of them and be proud for getting through the addiction!

Secondly, you are a very lovely girl and I've no doubt that if you set your mind to it, you will be able to follow your dreams, even if you do have a baby.

Thirdly, you are so young and I can only imagine how scared you must be and how uncertain you must be of your life ahead. Be the best mom you can be as your child needs you every step of the way. I am not going to lie, but even though I am in my thirties, the day-to-day responsibilities can be hard BUT the rewards are far greater.

Best wishes to you and I sincerely hope that everything works out for you! :hugs:

Wow you certainley woke my sleepy head up reading your story hun.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well

wow what a story, its good that you got babys daddy out of your life for the moment he didn't sound like he was going to be any good for you or your baby.

the group of traveling actors sounds amazing, i do/did fire poi/rops/fans and stilt walking in night clubs before i got pregnant the first time and it is (at the time) what i wanted to do forever, i hadnt thought of children my life was going out gettin wasted dancing in clubs i wasnt old enough to get into waking up and doing it all over again, but my god getting pregnant changed all of that, it makes you realize that your life is a special gift and that you should enjoy and explore.

it sounds like you have your head screwed on and that you are going to make such a great mum, having a baby doesnt have to stop you hopes and dreams it just changes them a little you could always take the baby traveling with you people do that all over the world!

it sounds like you have made some mistakes but its great that your fixing them.

your life is only just beginning

BLIMEY!!! :shock:

Well I think Lee-Anne has said exactly what I was thinking. I'd just like to add that you seem incredibly mature and switched on for your years. It took me a while of reading you posted before I picked up on how young you are. You are articulate and thoughtful and I honestly believe even though your life may not have taken the path you may have hoped I honestly can imagine you going on to big things. You sound liek the kind of girl who if she put her mind to it will absolutely achieve.

Well done on sorting out the drugs. I myself had a pretty wild early adult hood and as much as I know its a part of what makes me who I am, I'm glad I'm not longer a part of it.

I'm very impressed with you lady......

x

Wow,thats one hell of a story...but I have to say that it has a very positive ending.You sound completely different,mature,responsible and intelligent.
It's a big thing how you kicked the drugs and made a comeback.
You're doing the right thing by keeping the LO from your ex.he sounds dangerous.

The important thing is that you have learned from your experiences and you managed to get yourself out of those dark places.Thats whats gonna make you a great mom.:hug:
What doesn't kill you,only makes you stronger!
Plus,you're young and you have all the time in the world to find and reach your dreams...

P.S. I have to say that although are stories couldn't be more different,our situation is still very alike...thats interesting..

Well, today I'm off to go and visit my 5 billion relatives in the reservation - for those of you who don't know, a reservation is a place where a certain group of ethnic people live, almost without government rules, no taxes, etc. Indeed it does sound nice with the whole 'no taxes' bout, but no taxes and far in the country means no resources.
Everybody has to live off junk food - they only have one little store the size of your typical everyday corner store.Living off junkfood means living in obesity.Living in obesity means living with diabeties, which is what many of the Aboriginal peoples in various reservations around the world live with. Truly, I don't know how they could stand it. I would be out of there in no time at all. But the centre of this system is poverty. They are forced to live this way because there are no jobs, hence living in poverty for most of their lives.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough, I'm off to go visit my family who is in desperate need of support after a recent event in which my cousin and her children lost their house.

Pregnancy related - I'm getting horrible horrible cravings for a greasy glob of mozzarella cheese. Just the cheese, nothing else. My feet are a little swollen, but not too swollen to go out and buy a nice new pair of shoes.
I sleep all the time. I sleep for about 10 hours a night, and I have to take a 2 hour nap after work to make sure I don't drop dead from exhaustion.

My - how precious babies are! I just can't wait to meet mine, but I will enjoy this pregnancy while I can, because I know I'll miss the days where my little man was still inside of my tummy kicking away. Come to think of it, he's been quite quiet today - must be a lazy day!
I have to meet with my theatre group today - we're putting together a show about Arsen, since all the children who have been caught by police setting fires recently in Winnipeg, including a 10 year old boy who caused more than 100,000$ worth of damage. He let slip that he wants to be a break in entrist when he grows older and he planned to start up 100 more fires in the next year!
My God, where have we gone wrong with some of our children?:hissy:


Enough said.
I will post more pics up later, seeing as I'm at work and I haven't got any on this PC.

mblack,

You have such a cute bump on you and damn your story is quite a deep one.

It sounds like this baby is a blessing for you.

Wishing you luck in the remainding weeks left.

Sounds like a busy day lady!!

In the first few weeks all I ate was balls of mozzarella cheese.....

x

Today I'm going to vent about all the bullshit in life - no wonder teenage mothers have a bad name! I wonder constantly what's getting into these kids' fucking heads.. Out of all the teenage mothers out there, I have yet to know one personally who doesn't leave her baby to go out and get piss ass drunk, do cocaine, ecstasy, acid, all that bullshit.. All I see are the teenage mothers who 'bling' themselves out, spend spend spend on THEMSELVES before they get to thinking about their little one/s, I find it horribly pathetic. I mean how does it speak of us as a society, not as one but as a whole, when there are people out there who trash themselves, their environment and other people's lives aswell?
I'm ashamed to live in Winnipeg.
We are the murder capital in all of Canada roughly every year. Thinking back on it, school was horrible when I was younger, I'm glad I don't go anymore! Racism is all you hear around here. People dying all the time, car thefts, joyriding, vandalism, narcissism, drugs drugs drugs.:hissy: A kid about 9 or 10 years old tried dealing me drugs out here, for Gods sake what the * is wrong with the world?
And what makes people seem even more belligerent, is that they all act like it's cool (what they do) and fun.
Before, in the older days, you used to ask a child what he'd like to be when he grows up and he would look up at you and respond, "A fireman" (Or a police man or a doctor, etc.). But nowadays, you ask a child what he'd like to be when he grows up and he will look at you and respond, "A break in entrist',"An arsonist", etc.

Where have we gone wrong with our children.. we let them grow up in the streets, introduce them to drugs and all that yummy stuff at such a young age, and STILL we pose expectations for them and are disappointed when we find out what they are doing..
*sigh* I've depressed myself enough for now, I will write again later.

Pregnancy Related - Hm I don't know if it's just me or if I look like my bump is shrinking a little? Weird. All in all, I have gained roughly 21 pounds in (almost) 26 weeks!

i agree with you, what kind of world are we bringing children in to?! its pretty rough around where i live to. i remember when i was little people used to leave their back doors open and we used to play in the street where did all that go!

i agree with you, what kind of world are we bringing children in to?! its pretty rough around where i live to. i remember when i was little people used to leave their back doors open and we used to play in the street where did all that go!

I know! I used to play outside until after dark, now where I live, we recede indoors as soon as the sun starts to set, fearing for our lives.

I had a horrible dream last night. In my dream - I had just arrived home to find that there was a party at my house, I figured Winston had thrown it(my cousin whom I live with - he is 20). Inside I found a few of my close cousins, and a few ex-friends of mine. Larissa - my favourite cousin, my best friend. Krista - my cousin, Christin - my cousin, Darin - my ex-boyfriend/ex-friend (we broke up because he started doing crack cocaine and joyriding every chance he could) and Paige - WAS my lifelong best friend, BFFL, but our friendship ended when I started straightening my life out -
Anyhow, I was talking to Larissa and we started playing Dance Dance Revoloution. I saw Darin arguing with Paige - and then my grandmother came to pick up Larissa, Christin and Krista. So when I was saying goodbye, my auntie(not by blood - but I call her my auntie) Gina(Paige's mom) pulled up in her silver car out front to pick up Paige. Then I saw Paige run outside with a girl I don't like (turns out she was in my house, in the basement - which is why I didn't see her at first), and I started shouting at Paige saying "You know not to bring people I don't fucking like in my own fucking house!" She just kept going, and told her mother to drive away. Needless to say,
her mother refused. She dragged Paige into the house behind her and came to ask me what the problem was, I started to tell her when the light of my living room hit Paige's face as she walked through the door.
Her face was an off yellow, her pupils were huge and her face .. Her once beautiful face had the life sucked out of it, her face resembled a skeleton. Her makeup was caked on, and I asked her what the fuck was wrong with her !?
She simply replied, slurring her words with her eyes rolling to the back of her head, "I'm sick.. I feel sick." Her face was now turning a deep shade of grey, her skin losing it's pigmentation as I sat there and watched.
And in an instant I had a flashback of an ecstasy + cocaine trip - The world started spinning, her face turning all shades of purple, red, orange every colour. Hallucinations. A different look on reality, feeling my heart through every vein, every muscle, every nerve in my body. Feeling my blood being poisoned, my blood turning black, every second it got worse and worse. And then I popped back to reality and realized that was what she was feeling. In the instant it took me to open my eyes and realize she was high, I knew she was going to die.

How did I know? Because that happened to me once, and I'm DAMN lucky to be alive. That scared me so much last night. My dream was so vivid, so real. Thing is, I know she's doing hard drugs and risking her life all the time, it only got worse when I told her I don't want to be her friend anymore.
I love her with my heart, she's like a sister to me, it's so hard to see everybody I was so close to dying slowly and not being able to do anything about it.
The people who once had life, who brought joy to everybody in their lives, now walking the streets like the living dead, homeless, alone, and just.. dead. + The thing that makes this so damn hard is it's everybody. Everybody who I used to be close to. Infact, a 13 year old girl named Ashleigh tried to sell her body for one cap of Ecstasy, she tried to get us to buy her body. Her poor 13 year old body, in which she explained has been all over 'main street', 'has been around', .. Ugh. When will this bloody end?

This story literally made me shiver.

:hug:

I'm so sorry about your friend,I honestly hope she'll follow your footsteps and get out of the mess she made.
I truly admire you for realizing things,straightening your life out and becoming so mature.Your son is truly lucky...

And you're right,it's easy to stay off drugs and bad things when you come from and live in places like me(I've never even seen a drug of any kind),but it's truly horrible how some kids live...All I can say is that I admire you...

:hug:

Wow everything you say is so deep, you go into everything in every detail possible!

the streets every were are full of kids that think its 'cool' to go round drinking, smoking etc.
it gets out of hand especially around in Liverpool around here a little boy called Rhys Jones < if any one has heard of him, he is an 11 year old boy who got shot an died in the arms of his mum as she held him crying as he took his last breath. Rhys was on his way home from his football training and stopped to play football with his mates in a car park were a lad in a 'hoody' shot him, its took the police almost a year to catch the killer because people are so scared of being called a 'grass'.

i look up to you the way you have handled things and have come out in the world with your head held up high and you have proved to people they can get of the whole 'gang' scene if they put there minds to it.

xx

Thank you for the responses, it really means something, it truly does.:hugs:

where i live theres gangs between the estates, they are Asians vs africans people are constantly getting stabbed or beaten up, last year a 17year old Asian girl was raped by 3 africans because she was walking through the 'wrong' estate its vile.

i have vivid dreams too, sometimes its hard to figure out if your dreaming or if you have woken up and its just a really really bad day.

drugs do funny things to people, you dont realize you have a problem while your still dancing on the rooftops, or when you wake up the next day wondering where you can get more.... i used to live with a cocaine addict and i got into a patten of wasting days/weeks of my life i was really depressed and lost luckly i got out before things got to bad.
when you do drugs you find a weird self justification, you talk yourself into thinking its ok and the idiots around you back up your fragile mind.
its a bad cycle to fall into but when your there nothing anyone can tell you will change your mind. these people need to learn/realize for themselfs what they are doing to their lifes.

its sad that some people go too far.

im pleased you got out of it (im glad i did too!!) you have a beautiful baby inside you and the world at your feet. although these people were at one point very close to you now they are a world away, maybe its time to let go and say goodbye

Words of brilliance! You really know your shit, don't you? Your intelligence is amazing, it blew me away I must say. :D

i messed up my life for a while i just hope that me learning from my mistakes can help other people.
you shouldnt be worrying about these people as much as im sure you love and care for them itll only drag you down. there is only so long you can persevere with thankless love.
you have a little bundle thatll consume all your worries very soon!
i have no doubt in my mind that you will do anything in you power to prevent your child seeing the nasty side of this world, well i know everyone has to see the bad side but maybe not so young.

take care

Thanks, it's just so hard to let go of everything that you once knew. I keep trying to help them learn from my mistakes but they won't listen; sadly they're going to have to make their own and learn from them, it's just hard because alot of people don't get out of that trap, alot wind up dead or selling their bodies. That life was at one point everything I ever knew - for my whole life until just recently, it's a hard adjustment, but I know I'll live. Besides, the world has more beautiful things in it than bad, that's what I believe - It has to.

every things beautiful you look at it in the right way some may say.

it is hard but if they wont listen theyll end up trying to drag you down with them.

your a strong girl you'll do whats right :-)

Thanks - as are you, I can't believe you went through with 2 losses.. God I would have lost my mind, been a mentalpath, I really admire how strong a person you are.:D You're going to make a great mother, the best.

hehe mentalpath i like that!! i did go a bit nuts for a while i didnt leave the house for 6 months through fear that id see another pregnant person. but like all things you move on :-D

True true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :D

Wow young lady havent you come far?
Your story is so sad yet truly amazing and should give hope to all those people out there that have had such a rough life.
Your certainly mature for your age, your little one will be so proud when hes older.
I congratulate you on getting rid of you ex and sorting your life out, once your into drugs they really arent the easiest thing to stop using, you really have worked so hard.
You have the right to feel incredibly proud of yourself, well done! xx

Ooh, shit it's been a long ass day, and to top it off I think I'm coming down with a cold. My head throbs like there's no tomorrow and my stomach is so upset. Also I've been sleeping like a log, which is a good change from not sleeping at all. I've been wondering if all pregnant women at this stage have sleeping problems? I can only sleep for roughly 5 hours a night and then I'm awake, feel like I've slept all night, and of course it hits me later on at work. Kookum(my grandma) picked me up a body pillow today so hopefully that helps. Joseph has started kicking, well, moving, alot again. It's actually starting to get rather uncomfortable, his kicks and even his MOVEMENTS are getting hard because of his size. I'm guessing he's bigger than average, because when he boots me it almost knocks the wind out of me. I can already make out a little elbow or a little foot poking out of me and I'm only 26 + 1 pregnant. I'm really tired though, I'll write more tomorrow.
Night.

Hope you slept well Mary.

x

Hey,hope Joseph let his mom sleep tonight...

Nice new pic in your avatar,very random but I love your shirt...:lol:
:hugs:

hey just checking in to see how you are doing

There's no way I'm going to finish high school.
It's the horrible cold hard truth. I'm never going to be able to do what I wanted to do. There's no way in hell I'm ever going to be able to finish high school.
Why?
Because I'm so damn far behind in school work, lets say 2 years, I'll be repeating grade 9 for the second time and I can't even remember how to multiply. Fractions, algebra, division, none of it makes sense anymore. Nothing. I can barely remember what a verb is, let alone an adverb or a pronoun. I know not one bit of history about Canada or the world, at that. I don't even know what precipitation and condensation are. Science is a forbidden area. What's even more pathetic is I don't even KNOW what they teach in social studies. I have failed my life. People are always being pissy at me telling me to go back to school but what they don't understand is I CAN'T DO THE FUCKING WORK! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! It would take too goddamn long to go back and be able to work through it, and maybe I would have been able to but no; I can't, it would take about 7-8 YEARS until I graduate. Not only did they make gym a manditory class, but now they've moved up the amount of credits you need to graduate. A couple of years ago it was something like.. 26? Now it's 28, next year it will be 30 and then it will be 34. THIRTY FUCKING FOUR! How am I supposed to do that? It wouldn't be so damn difficult if I didn't have to now look after a baby. I can't feed my baby unless I have a job, granted I could live with my grandmother and get her to support him financially but I don't want to do that! It makes me feel selfish, this is my baby I don't want other people having to pay for everything we do! It's hard enough as it is that my grandmother supports ME, it's just not fucking fair. I can't even financially support my own child unless I don't go back to school. There, I said it. I'm NOT going back to school. If I had one wish in the entire world it would be that I could finish school. I'm already working with my theatre group and with mamawi to try and make a little bit of a living, it's not fair how can I possibly keep living like this? I feel like an utter failure, I'm never going to make it like I thought and hoped I would. I can't do the work. I don't understand anything. I can't remember how to spell, I have to dictionary.com everything. It's just never going to happen for me. But I guess that's what happens when you decide to get pregnant at 15 years old huh..:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

hey just checking in to see how you are doing

I'm doing horrible. This whole thing is just getting too damn hard to cope with.

i cant see.... im not much help right now im having a few probs im sorry but ill try and talk to you properly tomrrow


take care ok....

heya, i am in the same situation as you, pregnant + in school trying to make something of herself so she can bring her + her baby up!

Things are hard especially as I'm doing my GCSEs at the minute and i feel exactly the same as you but i know to make something of my self i at least have to prove to myself that i tried to do it and weather we succeed or fail is another thing which in time we will have to deal with it in our own way.

i have faith in you that you WILL do fine + you WILL be a great mum to your little boy! you have a mature head on your shoulders which will take you so many places in your life and help you along the way.

if you ever need to talk I'm almost always on here xxx

Hey Mary

Sorry you are feeling down. I know you must feel trapped by the situation at times but you can do this. And you can make something of your future too.

Being a young mum is tough but you are an intelligent girl who I think has what it takes to go far in life. My cousin was 15 when she had her daughter and I wont lie to you its been very hard at times for her and her kids. She didnt finish school either and that made things harder for her later on too but she was switched on an prepared to go for it once the time came.

You might not finish school now but its not the end of the world. Once you're on your feet and settled with your little boy, opportunities will come your way and you'll make the most of them. You might be able to train once he's at school. Yes thats a long way off right now, but you decided to put him first and so your time may have to wait.

At 15 yrs old most girls dont know exactly what they want to do with their lives, let alone 15 and expecting their first child. Your next few years as a Mum will help you to learn about who you are and what you want from life and from the little I've learned about you, I'm pretty sure you are destined for big things.

x

hey hun big hugs

So, I decided that instead of completing high school I will study math and science through homeschooling since I'm horrible at them, and the rest I will study in time through my GED book. I'm just going to get my GED instead of taking 6-7 years to complete high school, seeing as it's the equivelant of a high school diploma. Then I'd still be able to get a good job and such and it won't take as long! Thank God.
I'm in the third trimester now!
:cry:Missing my second tri buddies, it's a hard transition!
Also, I'm not sure if this is a common thing among most pregnant women in their 3rd tri but I find myself only being able to sleep roughly 5 hours a night.

im pretty sure the lack of sleep is a universal thing once you get that pregnant hun.

its good that you know what you want to with school and its great that your not giving up. alot of 15year olds having a baby would but when you leave its hard to go back.

i found it weird going from ttc to first tri was strange!

im pretty sure the lack of sleep is a universal thing once you get that pregnant hun.

its good that you know what you want to with school and its great that your not giving up. alot of 15year olds having a baby would but when you leave its hard to go back.

i found it weird going from ttc to first tri was strange!

Yes, it feels weird leaving everybody behind, but luckily enough they will be where I am soon.

Hey hun just checking in on you!! :hugs:

Sorry your having a hard time with school, maybe something to think about ... why dont you drop some classes? I dont know if they will let you do that? I was supposed to do 11 classes and in the end i only did 5, it was so much easier for me and i could concentrate on the courses that i would need in the future.

Unless you want to do a job later in life that involves history or geography they arent going to be of a huge use to you wheras maths and english are key in any job.

Yeh i have dropped everything in school apart from maths, english, science + i.t but am stil doing GCSEs in all subjects, becausei can jsut revise in my own time for the rest.

mary you can do it if you put your mind to it i no u can, ur so clever + grown up = ] have faith in yourself xx

:hug:

I read your post about school but I see you worked things out yourself.Seems like the hormones wrote that first post about school?

I don't believe for a second you're a failure.You seem so smart and driven to me that I think you can do anything.

When I got pregnant,I only thought that I won't be able to finish college now,but then I sat down and thought about it hard and figured it out.

I think it's wise that you decided for a GED instead of a diploma.It's basily the same and you can even do some higher education after you settle down a bit.
I know schools today can even offer you to get a GED through online correspondence.

There are a lot of opportunities for you out there,you just need to explore them.And don't give up!
You are so young,you have so much time to fulfill your dreams...Even if it takes you years,you'll get there.
Many,many :hug:

Well, I'm back from my getaway 'vacation'. I must admit it was rather fun, I have been doing alot of reading of a book called "The secret life of the unborn child".
It is VERY interesting, it talkes about how a persons personality is shaped before they are even born into this world, about how the unborn child remembers and how things that affect the mother/him in the womb will affect his life forever. I have learned some pretty useful information, like how when a mother smokes cigarettes while she's pregnant her baby is cut off from his oxygen and he briefly feels high; and how he gets upset even when his mother so much as THINKS about having her next cigarette, if he is subjected to it for so long. I also learned how the baby feels what you're feeling, like when you feel fear or feel upset, chemicals release in your brains that spread through your blood stream and into his, which MAKE him upset. It's really interesting stuff!
On a side note, I went to Sharon's baby shower today. Aww, she got so many cute things! And everybody participated in this game where you get a pin and stick it on your shirt, and whoever says Sharon's name or crosses their legs loses their pin to whosoever happens to hear them/witness the event. There was also a game that you could enter about who has the longest stretch mark! If you entered somebody had to measure it, the winner was 6" long, and she won a prize although I'm not too sure what it was. My grandmother won the pin game, and we took home a candle set which might i say is absoloutely BEAUTIFUL!
The hotel we stayed in for my trip was BULLSHIT! They didn't tell my auntie that they weren't finished renovating, the spa was closed, the heating wasn't working properly or some shit, all this stuff just wasn't set up at all. And the cheap a-holes only gave us a 45$ discount in a resort where YOUR meal alone costs about 20 bucks. Cheap shits.
Baby's been kicking alot less lately, but he does seem to be moving about quite often. I find myself worrying if I don't feel him move for a couple hours, he's a very active little boy. Making me very uncomfortable too, might I add! I assume he's large for 27 1/2 weeks, because my uterus is large and he is cramped in there, I swear I feel every movement he makes!

Enough for today, I'm going to eat supper right away.:happydance:

That books sounds great!! I think im going to try and have a look for it online

hehe who has the largest stretch mark!! i have never heard of that one.

yay team blue

I also learned how the baby feels what you're feeling, like when you feel fear or feel upset, chemicals release in your brains that spread through your blood stream and into his, which MAKE him upset.

Oh my god how freaky is that i was thinkin about this 'subject' yesterday, i kept sayin to myself, what if bump gets a sense of how i'm feelin..does that affect how hes feelin that day too? ... really wierd info this is. Hmm makes you wonder doesn't it?

sorry just havin a ponder at the subject hmm .. pregnancy amazes me ! xx

Hehe well if anybody would like to have a look out for this book, the author is "Thomas Verny, M.D. with John Kelly" and it's entitled, "The secret life of the unborn child".

bloody hell mary...
the things you've got through, i take my hat off to you.
as other people have said you seem to have a very mature head on your shoulders. with regards to schooling do what you think is right hun its yours and your childs life your bettering gonna be hard as hell but worth it just keep your chin up and keep going for the goals you set for you and your LO.


by the way i will have a look at that book, although its gonna scare me because if its true and how i feel affects how she feels im going to have one angry baby!!!

Wow. Okay so I just started reading your journal for the first time. I want to just tell you 2 things. First, after reading about what Winnipeg is like, I am 100% sure that I'm going to stay on my little tiny island of Newfoundland in the middle of the ocean where nothing ever happens, ever. Second, I am also 100% sure that you are going to do JUST fine in life. You've made it this far and you will make it again. My mom always tells me God doesn't put you into situations you can't get yourself out of. I'm not sure how I feel about that myself, but it is comforting sometimes to think that way.

I understand how difficult it must be trying to get through high school and be pregnant. Let me tell you something though, WHEN you make it through or get your G.E.D....if you continue on, school gets much easier at the post secondary level. Much more interesting, and nobody telling you what to do. And no gym classes! Ew.

Good luck :)

Thanks to both of you! And Vickilouise: I read in that book that if you're stressed while pregnant it's sometimes the cause for colicky babies, blimey if that's true I'm going to have an uneasy baby aswell. Not sure if all that information is 100% accurate, though it does make sense to be!
Well well well, I've had a change of heart. Since my cousin, Larissa is pregnant aswell, we're going to go to an all adolescent pregnant/parent school together, just until I finish grade 9 though, THEN I can take distant schooling through another district. Since I'm only in grade 9 that's what makes everything so damn difficult - nobody has any options for schooling for grade 9ers!

OH! I also read something VERY interesting in that book. I read that the baby may be able to signify if s/he is wanted, and that can possibly lead to future problems. Well that makes sense, all my years drinking myself sober, sniffing cocaine and swallowing ecstasy like it's candy is proof! Everytime I got piss ass drunk I would find myself crying to my mother, asking her to want me and to take me back with her.
Maybe that's because she didn't particularly 'want' me at the time she was pregnant? She was only 17, had nowhere to live, and had no money, so it would make sense.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that a mother loves her child more than anything in the world but I'm also intelligent enough to know that some part of her sometimes - wishes she had WAITED. There, I made the term 'not-wanted' sound better. I love my mother to death, and I finally understand why she gave me up and refused to take me back; because I had a better life with my grandmother, a better life that she ever could have asked for me to have - same with my father, although he's a little bit messed up himself still.
Well, that's all for now, I'm at work and may get into trouble.
:D Cya.

christ almighty... ill stock up on the anti colic stuff now...

your schooling will sort itself out in the end hun, you seem like you've got your head screwed on so if you stick to your guns you'll be fine.
x

hey! that book sounds interesting. although im not sure about the colic thing, i thought colic was because babys swallowed to much air when feeding that gets trapped in there little tummys? but i could be wrong:-)
i believe a baby knows if its wanted too.

take care

I'm going out later and getting that book! I have a few days before class starts so I'm going to try to catch up. Sounds super interesting. Something I would be 100% into as well, and probably Adam too. Maybe it'll spark some interest in his head haha

No doubt! It's filled with information that you wouldn't even be able to imagine. :happydance:

Well, today I played a little music for my son Joseph and I'm convinced he loves Mozart and Neil Diamond, although I did get a couple of kicks with Diamond so maybe he wanted me to shut it off?
I slept from 2:30 - 7:00 today, and slept about 9 hrs last night, and going to bed now at 11:00. What is with these sleeping hours, I didn't even get to clean my room I was so damn tired!:hissy:
Getting hair extensions this weekend,:wohoo: yess! I can't wait!
Will update you all tomorrow, I have to go to bed otherwise I won't get up for work in the morning, goodnight.

Mozart and Neil Diamond well it could be worse :-P

Hm well lets see, where to start.. A friend of mine from work is taking me to a cloth-diaper program tomorrow, teaching you how to use them etc. I much rather use cloth diapers than regular pampers, they are so bad for the environment and lets face it - I'll be saving TONS of money! I got my hair extensions a couple of days ago, and Tanya (my fathers ex-girlfriend) is going to be threading them into my hair today around 4:30. I can't wait! :wohoo:
Well I'm feeling less pokes and jabs in the day it seems. I just feel my son squirming about like a madman, especially in the morning - blimey he's a morning person!:dohh: The snail trail on my belly has grown back, and my god is it ever getting longer and thicker and BLACKER by the day! I never should have shaved it off, although it is rather embarrassing when you go to the doctors office to get examined and you have the belly of a warewolf.:blush:
Also, I've been REALLY hormonal lately. I take everything WAY too personally and even the tiniest comment can make me cry. My nails are growing VERY fast now too, I have to go get the acrylic on my nails re-done too often.
Time really does seem to be flying by now. I'm already almost 29 weeks gone! Where is the time!?:hissy: I want to be pregnant forever lol, it's so lovely to know you have a little person growing and changing day by day in your belly. Hell, if I could, I would keep my son in me until he's about 9 or 10.:lol:

But I'm off to work now. Adios!

A friend of mine tried to do the cloth diaper thing and it never really took for them. They ended up selling them in the end. I hope it goes great for you as they are a good way to save some money. Ughh I have the black hairs on my belly too...its very embarrassing. I really think when Im further along and go to get my maternity photos done I will likely get it waxed or wax it myself. Nothing worse than seeing hair all over your belly in beautiful pregnancy pics, until then I will likely just put up with it. After you get your extensions in you will have to take a pic!! 29 wks thats awesome!! Soon enough you will be holding your little boy! How precious <3

My mom always tells me God doesn't put you into situations you can't get yourself out of.
i thought that was really nice to read

school is hard enough and stressful enough as it is without being pregnant, but try ur hardest not to let it get u down. ur a very mature girl and i have every faith that u will get to where u want to be
:hugs: xx

just coming to say hi! post a pic when you have your hair done i wanna see!!

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture339.jpg
there's an updated pic of my belly today, GOD I HAVE HAD A GROWTH SPURT IN THE LAST MONTH!
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture331.jpg
There's my hair extensions, they look pretty good I think.. but I will talk later I'm too tired right now.

Beautiful bump!! The hair extensions look wonderful hun! xo

your hair looks really nice!!

Extensions look great...so does little Joseph.xxx

hair looks lovely hun!!

Just read your journal, and wow!!! You have an amazing story. I'm sure the school thing will work out :hugs:

Thank you all! I haven't posted here in awhile, so I'm going to fill you all in on my night at the hospital.**Note: This was stolen from a thread of mine about a week ago, so please keep that in mind!

Well, I posted yesterday about rib pain. It got worse. And worse and worse and worse. I went to the hospital when I couldn't even inhale without turning over in pain, I couldn't do anything, I got there at about 12:00 am. When I got there they hooked me up to a machine, showed the baby was fine and I got blood work done, ALOT of it. Stayed there until 5:00 am when they finally told me I had to spend the night. They got me and my grandmother a room and when I finally got to sleep for about an hour due to the pain, this woman wakes me up telling me I need MORE needles. Mind you, the woman who had done my needles the night before had to stick this IV thing in me THREE times before she got it! And then they tell me it was the wrong size so more needles! Then, when I finally get down to get my CT scan, seeing as they found nothing on my X-ray, this woman tells me the radiation may not be safe for my baby. But of course I have no goddamn choice, I couldn't even breathe properly! In the middle of the scan I almost threw up all over everybody, there was so much radiation in that damn thing I think my poor son almost had a heart attack. I also got clipped up to this machine that traces my heart. Good news = It's not a blood clot or an infection. Bad news = They have no idea what it is. I have seen every damn nurse + doctor in the hospital and nobody has any idea what has caused this. I'm so angry and scared, I can't even breathe properly, my ribs hurt so bad.

Well, needless to say, the pain subsided and my rib no longer hurts. I had asked the nurse if it was possible my son had kicked me and bruised my upper rib - he told me that then Joseph would have to kick through my lungs and possibly my heart, LOL!:rofl:
Still working, took out the hair extensions.. I just don't have the energy to look after them properly, and plus, they look nothing like they did on her hair lol but then again when does it ever?
My friend is staying with me for awhile, she and her mother are fighting constantly and she needed somewhere to go so - la dee da - she's living with me now! And my cousin Kyle + his pregnant girlfriend are in for the week. It's nice having somebody around who is going through the same thing I am, and she's YOUNGER than me! 14! It's pretty insane, but she's a lovely girl, very mature and I suspect she will make a great mother.
Oh! Belly button is FINALLY starting to pop out haha, I love it though. I got waxing strips yesterday and I look forward to waxing all my thick black body hair.:) Pregnancy does the weirdest things to you.
Anyway, I'm at work so I have to go now.

Ta ta for now.

Hm, not sure if it's just me but I'm worried my bump is dropping already. Is this normal? Are my eyes just playing tricks on me?
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture451.jpg
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture447.jpg
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture453.jpg
Also, my belly button seems to be uncentered. I figured it was just my linea niagra that was off, but I took a pic from right above and my belly button IS a little too far on the right!
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/Picture454.jpg
Note: My camera takes pictures on the opposite side that they are, erm, can't seem to describe it but you know what I mean..

Glad to hear your pain is gone :) And your bump is looking great - sorry I can't tell you if it's normal or not. Lol. I've never been that pregnant before. Can't wait until I get a big bump.
:hug:

lol well thanks anyway!

im not sure hun but you have a very impressive bump!!

I would thank you but the thanks button appears to be missing!

Bump looks great Mary!

x

ooh your bump as got bigger since the last time i looked but still lovely and round .

The hair extensions are really nice .... on the other foto too.

Hey I was just wondering if you are supposed to feel Braxton Hicks in your back.. I was getting bad BH's today and I was feeling it mostly in my back, is that bad? (P.S it was HORRIBLE! UGH!)
reply if anybody knows

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0249.jpg
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0264.jpg
There's me at 32 + 1. Is he really dropping already or is it just me?

hey about the BH yeah i think its ok to get them in your back. you look FAB pregnant hun.

im just trying to catch up on everyones journals!!

i hope your doing well

must agree with uv , you look brill pregnant darl and your bump looks perfect.

wow, he really has dropped hasn't he! pretty dress :D i shall be having a look round for one like it haha. good to hear your ok xxx

Hasn't been much to report lately. Severe difficulty keeping up with this journal, been taking my pre-natal vitamins, drinking 6+ cups of water daily, 4+ cups of milk. Went to the ex an walked ALOT.. couldn't go on any rides though, I now have stretch marks up to my belly button and total weight gain so far = 33 lbs.
I don't know why but when I weigh myself at home I weigh 2-3 lbs heavier than when I'm at the doctors office. Gained 3 lbs in the past two weeks, am proud of myself though! Also my back is breaking out like there's no tomorrow, and pregnancy fatigue is really kicking in now. I can't even walk 5 minutes without gasping for air, I feel like I'm having an asthma attack all the time! I'm starting to be discusted with my weight gain, it looks like I've gained alot more than I have. My toes/feet are ALWAYS swollen, my BEHIND can't even fit into a size 8 jeans and neither can my thighs.
Pre-pregnancy I was a size 0 waist line, I can only get size 0 right above my kneecaps now. Loving the bb's though! Hopefully they won't shrivel up after I'm done breastfeeding.

Oh! Also got my first weight guestimate. 3 lbs! That's it! I'm huge and he's tiny, he's only 3 lbs. Unbelieveable!

Not long to go now though hun!! I cant believe your nearly there, these last few weeks seem to have whizzed by!!

Hi Hon.

I was just flicking through some of the journals and I noticed your title.

If it didn't have 'pregnancy' in it, it would sound like some kind of secret agent thing. :laugh2:

'The Journal of Mary Black' :ninja:

Hehehe.

Not long now and you'll be super Mum. :hugs:

Not much to report today, went to work, slept.. Losing alot of sleep lately. Lately I've tried to record my little one moving around and such but he just quits moving as soon as I bring the camera on him!
My baby shower is this weekend, hopefully people come.. Argg I gained about 35 lbs so far, I can't wait until I have this baby!

Sweetie you look beautiful. :hugs:

Don't sweat it, tiny will be here before you know it. :baby:

Update: Not much happening lately. Baby's room is ready (finally). Total weight gain=46 lbs. Baby is approx. 6 1/2 lbs, will be around 8 lbs if I go a week over.

(Which pisses me off, because this is a new doctor who has told me all this, my previous doctor - Stearns, who is away up north for a couple more weeks and referred me to this doctor - told me that my baby would only be about 6 - 6 1/2 lbs if I go fullterm, he said baby was only 3 lbs last time I saw him; and that was only two weeks ago!) So, hoping Stearns is right and not this doctor.
Actually, I can't even remember his name.

Cravings: Raw egg (yuck), mint, ham, chocolate and cream corn.

Feet are swollen like friggen balloons! I feel him dropping, but doctor says otherwise. Apparently he's not engaged at all(then why do I feel a baby up my bum?! And am in so much pain!)

Less than 3 weeks to go!
Come on Joseph!

New cravings - Oriental noodles, with a little bit of spice and DORITOS!
YUM!

http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0684.jpg
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk70/SCREAMBTICHES/DSCF0683.jpg
Taken today - 37 + 2

Also, lost my plug today.
If you aren't grossed out easily, read on.

I had alot of pains last night, thought I was in labour, but was waiting to lose my plug or my waters to break before I went to the hospital. After about half an hour of aching and doing labour excercises, tears in my eyes the entire time, and waking up a bunch of people the pains SLOWLY went away. So I figured it was just gas, didn't think to check my gitch!
So I woke up around 11, went to the bathroom and there it was. A big, long brown-ish green-ish tinged web of snot like stuff except thicker, the legnth of the top of my knuckle of my second finger (beside my thumb) to the top of my finger. About an hour later I had more of a 'show', this time with a string of blood in it. And a couple more times I wiped away more of it, ALOT of it though, this was tinged yellow/clear-ish. Cramps on and off all day, like period pains, but not that bad and not regular. Feeling a pressure all day, and it's been much easier to breathe. It feels like babys pushing down on my insides, like he's going to fall out while I'm walking or something.

Sounds like you are close!! Good luck babe! xo

ooh it sounds like u might give birth soon...i bet youre excited!!!

good luck!!!

x

Ooooh getting exciting Mary! I just read the last 3 pages to sort of catch up. I can't believe that you are almost there!! I'm entirely jelous hah.

Also, don't you dare worry about that weight gain. You are 15 (or 16, sorry can't remember) years old and you are going to bounce back SO fast. My best friend had a baby when she was 15 and 3 weeks later she was into her old clothes and didn't look like she had just had a 8lb baby!! Plus, you look absolutely STUNNING!

good luck miss! i hope it all goes smoothly for when it does all kick off!

Hiya Mary - all the best with the last week! You'll be holding him soon enough :) and be sure to give him a big hug and kiss from all of us - oh and breathe!!!!! lol

:hug:

Just want to say CONGRATULATIONS on your little monkey!!!!!

All the best of luck in the future :dance: