Any advice on how to handle this please help!!

Hi,
As most of u know now we recently found out that my step daughter isn't oh due to the fact he was born without vas she is nearly 10 and we have decided not to say anything for a number of reasons first of which it doesn't change how we feel about her also her mum does sleep about alot and we don't think its fair turning her life upside down when she isn't going to get any answers on top of which her home life is very unstable to say the least and I don't want it being an excuse for her going of the rails. Anyway we are going for ICSI in June hopefully theat will result in our BFP if not we will keep trying but dd doesn't like change at all her mum has another child who is nearly 2 and she wasn't happy at all when her mum was preg, her mum has never really spent time with her anyway but dd has even said recently she wishes other child was never born!! I know at is all going to kick off and she will probably start being really strange with us when we get our bfp and am wondering whether or not we should speak to her now about the fact we will be having a bby in future and tell her to tell us how she feels (know it wont b good) and hopefully we canhelp with any worries she has before it happens on whether we should just wait?? This whole situation is really worring me tbh she says she really gets left out at home with her mum and new partner but the problem is oh mum has her quite alot and tries to over compinsate in an unhealthy way she gives dd her own way all the time if she playing with her cusins its always what she wants to play her way, if she wants something she gets it and she gets shown alot more attention than the other kids it has always been like this not just recently so although dd says she getting left out oh and I wonder if its just because they getting shown the same attention but she used to getting more if u know what I mean, oh mum even said to us the other day to make sure dd is centre of attention all the time and I'm sorry but I really don't think thats healthy we try give her a normal family life over here. Sorry for such long post just wanted to explain a bit.


xxx

I think you & your OH have been incredibily brave about the whole situation & by the sounds of it shes lucky to have you both in her life.

DD obviously feels like this for a reason at home with Mum first I would ask exactly why - find those reasons and always make sure she never faces that at home with you guys. One possible way is for time to be spent with child alone shopping park etc another is to have her take part in babies life too obviously not put on to look after but 'help' & play - not left out .... like in a situation baby is getting attention with a play on the mat ask DD to come sit with you - sounds like its possible this happens at home & child is ignored and assumed shes ok shes older!

Going back a bit I would find the reasons of her feeling like this about her sister then maybe talk to her about future family & mildly talk & comfort her insecurities too - lightly suggesting how it won't be which will be what makes her feel like this now.

Also one thing to consider - is DDs Mums partner babies Dad?

Sorry if Ive misread any of your post hun :blush:

:hugs:

Thanks Wobs, Yeh as far as I know he is babies dad, we don't speak to dd mum at all oh parents collect her from there. There is no doubt things are going at home but the reason I said about last part is because of how oh mum is with her her view is all wrong eg, she told me she was getting bullied at school by couple of girls that were ment to b her friends just said the were being horrible and bulling her but from further talks with dd the reason she thinks she is getting bullied is because sometimes they want to play different games they are still including her but due to the fact when she at oh mums she always gets her own way she thinks because the same doesn't happen at school she's getting bullied. The bigest prob for talking to dd is we have to wait for her to talk to us we can't ask her about things as when she used to go back to her mums she would get questioned about everything so if we were to try and bring up a subject she closes up.

xx

I agree with wobbles, it's amazing how well you've handled the situation so far and I think what ever you do, you'll figure out the best way to approach the situation.

I agree that DD shouldn't be made the centre of attention because it's not healthy but being 10 years old she can be made to feel a part of what you're doing. Maybe try making her feel important to the new baby, telling her what her role will be. Focus on all the positives and hopefully she'll have a positive reaction, even if it doesn't happen right away.

:hugs:

i really do not believe children should get their own way all the time...adults should be the ones who take control and a child should know this so they feel safe and secure...i have 5 children and im now pregnant with my six and have experienced jealousy many times obviously...me and my ex partner (the father of my 5 children) split up 2 yrs ago and it was real hard on my children but they used to try and play us off against each other going up there and telling him things then coming back telling me other things...children arent stupid...but theres usually a reason for it...in my case it was because of the whole situation which has now settled down...all you can do is reassure her...let her know she and the baby will both be loved the same and do not give into any tantrums...

my children hate and love each other all in one go but i know they wudnt have it any other way...if you feel that there is sumthing bothering her sit down and have a heart to heart...she may be young but there are ways to explain it...

good luck...